Perfectly Polished

Welcome the Belle of the Ball!

2012-02-01T10:32:00.000-08:00

We are pleased to feature a guest post from Chelsea Hanson!

Belle of the Ball is a new featured column we will be running in coordination with Chelsea at Southern Gent Gifts. Be sure to check them out for great gift ideas for yourself or someone special.

Belle of the Ball presents: 5 Ways to Impress a Lady on the First Date

So often I hear men say that they’ve been on hundreds of first dates, but very few second dates. It’s no mystery that a first date can be a nerve-wracking experience. It is also very easy to make a mistake. But fear not gentlemen, with these five easy steps you will be on your way to a second date in no time.

First and foremost, CALL AND HAVE A PLAN.

I understand that it is so much easier to text, “Let’s hang out Wednesday,” BUT that gives a girl no direction. When you make the decision that you would like to spend time with us here are a few KEY things that should be remembered.

• CALL - pick up the phone and call the lady you are interested in seeing; this is a small gesture that we all appreciate. A call can be intimidating for some, but if you don’t have the guts to call her, how do you plan to sit through an entire date’s worth of conversation? Always call!

• DATE AND TIME - Let the girl know a date and time of the actual date. This is key for many aspects, from attire to scheduling. She needs to know if you’re going out at night, if it’s a casual dinner or if you’re going to the symphony. Planning is important. A first date is not the best time for spontaneity.

• RESERVATIONS - If possible make reservations. Do not show up with no plan in mind. We want to spend time with you, so make life easier by planning ahead with reservations. A woman is impressed when you can walk in, simply say your name, and are led to a table for two.

Second, DON’T FORGET SIMPLE GESTURES.

Pick the lady up at her place and come to the door. Do not wait in your car. If we are running late don’t worry—remember, we are trying to impress you and have taken the time to do so. Three simple gestures that you can make that will go a long way are:

• Open the car door.

• Open the door at the restaurant.

• Pull out her chair.

These simple things may not seem like much, but growing up, most of us have seen our dads perform these simple gestures daily with our mothers. Old school, classic, and shows respect.

Third, KEEP THE CONVERSATION ON A POSITIVE NOTE.

You may be having tons of problems. You may HATE your job, be failing a class, fighting with your parents, arguing with your roommate, feeling broke, thinking your ex is evil, or all of the above. And yes, we are willing to listen, but we agreed to a DATE. We agreed to spend time with you because we want to get to know you. We do not want to be your psychiatrist, especially when trying to have a good time. If you can’t think of anything to say, or are having an off day, or even really want to impress us, ask questions! The easiest way to strike up a conversation with anyone, especially a woman on the first date, is to ask her questions. But be careful to keep the questions grounded a bit. Don’t ask her if she plans to have kids or when she wants to get married. Save those for date 197, not date number 1.

Fourth, CASUALLY PAY WITHOUT US NOTICING.

There is nothing more awkward than the check sitting on the table between us staring us in the face. Even if you are going to pay and planning on it, at that moment we are debating whether we should offer or if we even brought cash or cards. Before the check arrives, slip off to the bathroom or to the bar for after-dinner drinks, grab the waiter or a hostess, slip her your credit card and pay the bill. That way when the check comes back, it is already taken care of and awkward moment avoided.

Fifth and FINALLY, FINISH THE DATE.

Even if you plan on going out after, make sure to close the date. Take us home, tell us you had a great time. It’s always difficult to know what to do after dinner, whether you take her out with your friends or go grab after-dinner drinks. Even so, make sure that we get home okay. MOST importantly - call the next day and tell us thank you. If you don’t see a future, a simple text is fine. Just remember to end on a good note because even if nothing happens in the future, it is better to be known as a gentleman than a jerk. Girls talk, it will get around that you were not courteous and respectful.

Follow these five simple rules and you will be will on your way to a second date. What you do from there is up to you. Remember, always be a gentleman and keep it classy. - cHc

About Chelsea Hanson: Chelsea is currently finishing her undergraduate degree in advertising at the University of Georgia. She is a 22-year-old native of Houston, Texas, with a flair for event planning. She has worked in events at the Houston Museum of Fine Arts, as well as Epting Events in Athens, Georgia. Her favorite pastime, though, is writing. Southern Gent Gifts is her personal blog that features different gift ideas for the men in everyone's lives.

News Flash: Cupid Prescribes!

2012-01-26T20:25:00.000-08:00

Etiquette changes with the times. Nowhere is this more evident than in archival material.

Valentine’s Day on the brain? For some charming, if slightly outdated, advice, why not take a quick travel in time…to 1959?

Feb. 8, 1959, to be precise— as captured in an article published that day in The Lakeland (Fla.) Ledger, written by a mysterious figure only known as “Nan.”

The headline?

“Cupid Prescribes…HOW TO BE QUEEN OF HEARTS…Valentine Etiquette.”

So—what does Nan have to say? For one thing, how to handle an unwanted gift.

“…If his gift in remembrance of the romantic day is lacking in imaginativeness, a real Queen of Hearts will still accept it with an enthusiastic show of genuine pleasure,” writes Nan. “After all, that box of chocolates or bouquet of flowers may have cost him a week’s lunch money.”

That’s not bad advice, actually. When opening a present, no matter the contents, you only need say two words: “Thank you.” (With as much enthusiasm as you can muster.)

Nan goes on to extol the virtues of a lady’s “daintiness.” If the Valentine’s gift is a box of chocolates (which “milady must open…as soon as she receives it”), one should first offer some chocolate to the giver, then “daintily choose a piece for herself.” No foraging in the box for favorite pieces or complaining about the chocolate itself—“The whole situation calls for a bit of feminine restraint,” Nan writes. “Don’t tear into the wrappings as if starved for sweets.”

If the gift is flowers, “the recipient should pin it upon her dress immediately,” says Nan. Corsages are “almost certain to contain something red, so bear this in mind when deciding what to wear.”

What if the lady wants to give a fellow a gift? Nan advises to “keep the token small and inexpensive….some home-made cookies or fudge, prettily packaged, are sure to please a man.”

Home-made cookies or fudge would please most people, probably.

Next week’s blog will be full of more Valentine’s goodness…just a little bit more modern.

Re-gifting 101

2012-01-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

Is this a grin or a grimace? How many ties does one person need? Think he'll re-gift it?

It can’t be helped: somewhere in your holiday gift stash is likely something you already have or don’t really want. What to do?

You might be one of the gigantic crowd of shoppers who are returning $46 billion in holiday merchandise, according to the National Retail Federation. But there are other options to ensure a happy life for the object elsewhere: recycling, donating, and re-gifting (or giving the gift to someone else).

Use caution when re-gifting! Can you imagine holding on to a present for ages, forgetting its origin, and then re-gifting it to the very same person who gave it to you in the first place? Ouch! Our tips will help you re-gift without any hurt feelings.

• Re-gifting no-nos: Used gift cards (you can re-gift if the card holds the total amount, but be sure of that!), anything you’ve opened and used, and personalized or hand-made items. Keep a personalized or hand-made gift in a seldom-used drawer—maybe you can use it in the future someday—and try to bring it out on display when the person who gave it to you is visiting.

• Store presents to re-gift in a designated place, like a closet or drawer, but be sure to keep a sticky note on each item identifying the original gifter.

• Remove all original wrapping paper and tags, and make sure you’ve removed any cards tucked inside. When it’s time to re-gift the item, wrap it again and make it look fresh.

• Make sure you are re-gifting with purpose. Choose a gift hat matches the person and occasion.

• Have an unwanted gift card and don't know anyone else who could use it? Find online gift card auction sites that can give you a portion of the card's cash value, says Pamela Eyring, Director of The Protocol School of Washington (and a member of our team of experts), in a recent article.

• Try to re-gift “in different social circles,” writes our colleague, etiquette expert Jacqueline Whitmore. “Play it safe and don’t regift to someone who might know the person who originally gave the gift to you.” (That’s where those sticky notes come in handy.)

• Don’t tell the person that it’s a re-gift! Some things are better left alone.

• When all else fails, re-gift to charity — just make sure the items are in excellent condition.

Be sure to send a thank-you note to the original gifter! Remember, it’s the thought that counts — or, as Pierre Corneille once said, “The manner of giving is worth more than the gift.”

Here's a good New Year's resolution: Civility!

2011-12-31T15:42:00.000-08:00

Quick! Make a New Year's resolution!

Happy New Year! While you're assessing how 2011 went and considering goals for 2012, why not think of civility?

We found an excellent article, published in Salida, Colorado's Mountain Mail, on this very subject.

"...Maybe, as we jot down our New Year's resolutions, we could add this one: ‘Every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those present,’” writes Lee H. Hamilton in the article. “And then let's hope our political leaders add it to their lists, too.”

Hamilton — Director of The Center on Congress at Indiana University, and a member of the U.S. House of Representatives for 34 years — knows what he's talking about when it comes to politicians and civility. That resolution he suggests comes from George Washington’s “Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior” (something we’ve written about before).

“Too often in recent decades our politics have been strident, polarized, coarse — even mean,” Hamilton continues in the article. “We do not show respect to those present. We don't show respect to those who aren't present but, by virtue of television, newspapers and the Web, are just as tuned in as those who are there...And because we do not, we are all the poorer.”

We completely agree! We also agree with his reasons why it’s so important for politicians and civilians alike to practice manners.

“Incivility directly affects the quality and the quantity of the work of governance…it makes it virtually impossible to reconcile opposing views and, therefore, to meet our civic challenges,” he writes. “...Everyone in this country has a responsibility to foster a civic dialogue respecting the people with whom we disagree and advances the interests of the nation.”

And the more “ordinary citizens” can state their cases clearly without attacking those with whom they disagree, “the better our political system will work and the stronger our nation will be.”

We heartily suggest that you go here to read all of the article.

And have a wonderful 2012!

Happy Holidays!

2011-12-21T06:48:00.000-08:00

Pasar buenas vacaciones

Trevlig helg

Bonnes vacances

즐거운 휴일 보내세요

Buone vacanze

Any way you say it, we wish it so for you and yours!

Happy Holidays!!!!!!

Debra Lassiter, April McLean & Cindy Haygood

The Etiquette & Leadership Institute

December 2011

Xtreme Makeover with the Ron Clark Academy!

2011-12-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

During the season of giving, we were privileged to be a part of something truly special: making over a bedroom. It might sound small, but it's a life-changing event for a child. In this case, two children.

Every year, the Ron Clark Academy transforms a deserving child's life with the RCA Xtreme Room Makeover Competition. RCA students are selected for the event through an essay contest, and then corporate sponsors are matched with those families to renovate the bedrooms. The top three bedrooms are honored at a special ceremony at school, but it's safe to say that every child chosen for this event comes out a winner. (This was the fourth year of the challenge; you can see pictures of past winning bedroom designs here, here, and here.)

Before we got to work, we had to go shopping, of course. So we assembled a great team.

And we had some fun.

And then we actually did some work - painting, assembling new furniture, everything!

We could not wait for the family to come home! Finally, they did...

It just wouldn't be complete without a Christmas tree - or the traditional pose in front of it.

What a wonderful experience!

Guess who's taking naps on the porch

2011-12-02T10:27:00.000-08:00

We were absolutely delighted to be interviewed by Susan of the fantastic blog, Between Naps on the Porch. We chatted about etiquette and hosting (or attending) dinner parties and holiday events.

You can read it right here!

Tips for the imperfect (or normal) Thanksgiving gathering

2011-11-22T10:23:00.000-08:00

If you have never looked this happy at the dinner table, don't worry. You are not alone.

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to gather cherished friends and family, eat delicious food, and bask in collective gratitude for all the precious things in our lives.

Of course, no one is perfect. Some Thanksgiving dinners are less like a soft-focus greeting card and more like a semi-polite line of scrimmage. Some guests might not get along. Someone may not like the food. Before you know it, the once-tranquil atmosphere around the table has gotten tense.

What should you do?

We say: prepare now! Here our some quick tips to ensure a happier gathering of any sort:

1. Don’t discuss politics, religion, or money. There are a lot of other things to talk about, trust us.

2. Do keep your phone off the table and out of sight! Unless you are expecting an emergency, calls and texts (and Facebook-checking) can wait until after the meal.

3. Do take the stress off yourself, host or hostess, by having the table set before your guests arrive and letting family members serve themselves (to keep the flow going, pass dishes to the right, unless someone to your immediate left requests what you have in your hands).

4. Do take things outside. If children are getting rambunctious, adults are falling into tryptophan-induced sleepiness, or an argument is getting heated, suggest a walk around the block or some playtime in the yard. (Inclement weather? Hand them umbrellas and boots and get to it.)

5. Do try to see your guests as who they are: loved ones. Maybe quirky or argumentative or sensitive or sarcastic, but all people who matter in your life. Try to embrace it. Cherish those memories! Someday, you might even be able to laugh about some of them.

Show manners for the club/bar scene

2011-11-17T11:06:00.000-08:00

Look what we found.

This is just one panel - see the whole comic strip here!

Athens artist Missy Kulik recently made this comic strip that made us realize something important.

When we talk about etiquette at shows, we so often mean sit-down, quiet affairs - like a play or ballet, the opera or symphony. But plenty of people enjoy going out to shows at night-rock, country, indie, whatever. And that means a lot of people in a small space with loud, flashy stimuli.

Which means that good or bad manners can make or break your evening.

Kulik recounted her recent unfortunate evening captured in her comic strip, noting that crowd manners in general "have changed" in the many years she's been attending shows.

Years ago, "people were there for the music and up front" near the stage, says Kulik. Now, "music shows are more of a place to be seen rather than to see," she says. "So many folks checking their smart phones, or checking in on Facebook. I don't mind [that happening] between acts, but when people are down in front and whip out an iPad to check Facebook, something is wrong - yes, we have witnessed that!"

We talked to several friends who are musicians and/or enthusiastic show attendees and gathered some great tips.

• Respect other people's personal space.

"At the Of Montreal show last week, this girl behind me started pogo-ing and grabbing my shoulders," one friend told us. When our friend confronted her, she got this response: "It's Of Montreal, deal with it!"

Another friend has had her hair set on fire by someone not paying attention to their lighter and cigarette. Another got a black eye from the flailing limbs of an overenthusiastic dancer. Crowd surfers, take note: you will inevitably kick someone in the head, or get kicked in the head.

If you want to dance, dance-just keep it appropriate to the show (no mosh pit-style thrashing during a heartfelt ballad, for instance). And keep your hands and feet to yourself.

• Let other people see the show.

If you are a tall person, try not to park yourself in front of the shortest person in the room. And listen up: "You have a good view anywhere, and no one wants to have their face pressed into a sweaty back all night," says one of our friends, a self-professed "shortish" person.

Regardless of your height, don't arrive to the show late and then shove your way to the front row.

Try to keep a check on distracting behavior. You might be so thrilled to be at the show that you want to share it with the world, but flash photography (if you aren't a sanctioned press photographer) or recording the show with your cell phone can obstruct others' views of the show.

• Let other people hear the show.

Everyone around you paid money to hear their favorite band play their music live-not to listen to you loudly chat with your buddies or loudly broadcast a personal phone call.

• Keep private behavior out of the public eye.

Having a thrilling date? Realizing you have found the love of your life and you absolutely must express this joyous epiphany this very moment? Congratulations! We only ask that you refrain from, shall we say, intimate dancing (or more) in the middle of the club. If you want to smooch, take that business to the back of the room (or save it until later when you don't have a captive and unwilling audience).

On a similar note, a very common complaint among young women is that men will bump into them, say "excuse me," and then use that opportunity to unnecessarily touch or even grope the women, trying to pass it off as either an accident or conciliatory gesture. "I'm not sure how unwelcome touching is supposed to make it up to me if you invaded my personal space the first time," says one of our friends.

This is simply unacceptable. Don't do it.

• Respect the venue.

A friend of ours who works security at a club is routinely tasked with picking up beer bottles and cups from the ground (usually mere feet away from a trashcan), or sorting out plumbing issues in the bathroom because of trash. Folks, someone has to clean up that mess, and it's a human being. Remember that.

• Watch your alcohol consumption.

For some people, having a good time at a show involves a drink or two (or three or more). Do everyone a favor and drink it at the bar-you know you are going to spill your drink all over yourself (or a complete stranger) the moment you bring it into a jostling crowd. In romantic comedies, that's sometimes classified as "meeting cute." In real life, it's "being uncomfortably wet and smelling gross the rest of the night."

And remember, it's an unfortunate fact that getting drunk, while possibly fun at the time, can also contribute to you acting like a jerk to other people. Surround yourself with good friends who can gently redirect you when needed.

Get "Poised for Success!"

2011-11-08T18:21:00.000-08:00

We love reading good books and sharing reviews...This book review comes from Cindy!

Jacqueline Whitmore’s new book, “Poised For Success: Mastering the Four Qualities That Distinguish Outstanding Professionals,” premiers as the perfect model of the new type of 21st century etiquette book.

Her content is wrapped around the tenet that the way we treat other people is all about everyday behaviors. The book completely covers the topics of preparing yourself for business and social endeavors and all of those in between. Every reader will find nuggets of wisdom—from the high school student wishing to establish great opportunities to the CFO wanting to re-imagine herself.

Written in an easy-to-read and comfortable style, the book is just like the advice Jacqueline is offering: if we are confident in our social and business actions, then our company is pleasant, easy to be around, and pleasurable.

I judge a book by the number of times I reach for my highlighter to underscore a passage that resonates with me. I now have a beautifully highlighted copy of the book. “Poised for Success” is a necessary addition to every etiquette consultant’s library, but it’s the perfect gift for any reader. I hope you’ll get a copy because I know you will enjoy her advice and wisdom.

“Poised for Success” is on bookshelves today! Order your copy now!

Training next week!

2011-11-04T14:06:00.000-07:00

Debra, April and Cindy are excited!

Our next round of etiquette training certification starts next week , and we can't wait!

This time, we have future etiquette consultants traveling to our training from Virginia, Illinois, Georgia, Texas and Canada. Like our last training week in June - or the one before that, last November - we anticipate a lot of fun. And why not? We get to share what we love to do: shaping the next generation of leaders by arming them with good manners, spreading the importance of treating others with kindness, preserving and promoting civility...and dancing!

We also get to share some of the people who make our job the best in the world: the children we teach both in Athens and at the Ron Clark Academy. Teaching around 4,000 children and teenagers a year in 12 area counties makes us really be able to say that we both talk the talk AND walk the walk.

Hope to see you at our next training week!

Reaching into the community

2011-10-28T10:18:00.000-07:00

Debra teaching the art of handshakes with the PRSSA at UGA

The women of ELI — Debra Lassiter, Cindy Haygood, and April McLean — are probably best known for their work with children through Perfectly Polished. They are familiar faces at the Ron Clark Academy in Atlanta. And those who want to become certified children’s etiquette consultants know that ELI sets the gold standard in training.

But did you know that ELI’s outreach goes far beyond that?

Let’s just take a quick look at Debra’s current teaching schedule to get an idea of how busy she stays.

When Debra is not busy teaching elementary, middle and high school students through Perfectly Polished, she is regularly bringing etiquette to the larger community Northeast Georgia community.

In October, she spoke about professional development (resumes, dressing for interviews, meeting and greeting) to the Public Relations Student Society of America at the University of Georgia. She gave a dining tutorial to the Georgia Society of CPAs. She taught job skills through Bread for Life, a local non-profit that brings people out of poverty and into the workforce.

Debra with the Georgia Society of CPAs

In November — after mentoring a new group of consultants during ELI’s training week — Debra will speak about business etiquette for “life after college” at the UGA Terry College of Business Women’s Conference. And she’ll share professional business savvy with educators who are aspiring administrators through Northeast Georgia RESA (Rising Stars).

Of course, while all of this is going on, she is also planning (along with Cindy and April) the annual Holly Ball for Perfectly Polished lead dance members, as well as the Mystery Mistletoe Dinner Dance (a three-course dining tutorial with dances in between) for Perfectly Polished seventh graders.

And that just gets us through the winter. There are plenty more classes and speaking engagements that follow in the spring! For Debra, it’s just part of the job she loves. For ELI, it’s a way to keep spreading our favorite message: etiquette is the key to more kind, fulfilling, and enjoyable lives.

Manners or grades?

2011-10-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

Did you catch Matt Lauer on Today talking about what parents want more from their children - good manners or good grades?

On a recent segment, Lauer announced that NBCU surveyed (an unspecified amount of) women, asking parents whether they’d prefer for their children to have good manners or grades. The overwhelming answer? Manners, by 77 percent.

For the most part, Lauer’s panelists agreed with that.

“I’ve always said that I would rather have a child in the middle of the pack – I don’t need the brainiest in the classroom,” said Dr. Nancy Snyderman. “A child who has good manners, who can make eye contact, a strong handshake, that opens doors for success.”

Star Jones said she wanted both: “I want you to be smart, and I want you to be nice!” When Lauer pressed her to choose one or the other, she chose smart. “Smart gets you in the door.”

Donny Deutsch said he’d choose manners. “If you’ve got a kid who’s got a million IQ and he looks at you saying, ‘Hi Joey,’ and he doesn’t look at you, there’s nothing worse,” he said.

“I think manners gets you in the door,” said Lauer.

What do we think? Well, why not encourage both? It’s a winning combination, after all. But it’s important to remember that your child may not be always be the smartest in the room, but it’s easy to be the kindest.

What do you think?

Cook, Waitress, and Charming Hostess!

2011-10-13T12:53:00.000-07:00

Here’s a 1960 copy of “Emily Post’s Etiquette: The Blue Book of Social Usage.” See how well-worn (and loved) it is?

As you might expect, there are parts of the book that are old-fashioned, and other parts that are still completely appropriate for today.

For instance, rare is the person who is familiar with the concerns of a house staffed with a housekeeper, housemaids, parlor maids, butler, footmen, cook, under-cook, kitchen maids, nurse, personal maid, valet, chauffeur, and gardener — as described in the chapter “The Well-Appointed House.” (Even when the book was written, the information was provided mostly to make a well-rounded book: “How can any house require a score of servants? The answer is, it can’t, unless the house is of a size that in this, our day, has become virtually obsolete,” Post wrote.)

However, a later chapter, “Cook, Waitress, and Charming Hostess!” is far more relatable, and addresses that host “who has not only to cook the dinner but to serve it without ever leaving the table.” In other words, pretty much everyone these days.

Some advice from that chapter, written for the 1960s host:

• Set your table formally and have the first course on the table before your guests go into dinner. Use a pair of sturdy serving tables for “supplies and discards,” placing “one to stand at the side of your husband’s chair and the other next your own.”
OUR TAKE: Think through the entire dinner party from start to finish. Before guests arrive, arrange your serving pieces and place labels on the serving counter so you won't forget to take anything out of the refrigerator (although if you do forget something, it's probably just because you are having a great time!). When it comes to clean-up, keep courses moving seamlessly by designating a place for used dishes and utensils. If you are using your sterling, have a dish of sudsy water ready to make cleaning quick.

• Plan your menu, keeping your serving platters in mind. Think of quality and ease. “It doesn’t really matter whether you give...saddle of lamb or corned beef hash - what does matter is that it shall be good of its kind,” Post wrote. “It is much better to serve something simple than to try a dish too difficult to prepare alone.”
OUR TAKE: Focusing on simple, good recipes that you know well will make for a far less stressful event for the host.

• As your guests lounge post-dinner in the living room, take a prepared coffee tray, carry it into the living room, put it on your coffee table (oh! that’s what they’re for!) and make the coffee in the company of your guests.
OUR TAKE: This would be a lovely way to end a night. However, use your judgment: sometimes, moving from the dinner table to another room might interrupt the conversation and flow of the evening. Sometimes serving dessert at the table is easiest; other times, you can ask guests if they would move into the family room (or around the fireplace, patio, or porch, depending on weather). Wherever you end up, always make your guests feel like the most important in the world!

Other tidbits from the Mad Men era:

• Keep a Little Jack Horner shelf for unexpected dinner guests. This is an “emergency shelf of provisions,” filled with food stored in “Cartons or tins, ready to eat as they are or as soon as heated,” as well as paper plates, cups, napkins, and flatware. “When the party is over, all you need to do is to take off the little remaining food...and dump everything else into the fire or garbage can,” Post wrote. Treat it like an impromptu “picnic supper.”
OUR TAKE: We love the idea of always having something on hand for guests, although we suggest a more environmentally sound approach—your own plates and silverware, or reusable bamboo plates and flatware—than disposable items to chuck in the garbage. We also love that this puts the focus on the company, not the food. We know of one pop-in visit that turned into a dinner where the main course was Pop-Tarts - and it was both delicious and memorable.

• You don’t have to be wealthy to have fun. “A young couple living in a single room that has a folding sofa-bed so that the room can be made into the semblance of a sitting-room, may ask friends they care for — and others are of no importance — to come to their ‘home in a room,’” Post wrote. “The real secret of successful party-giving is simply the gift of never outgrowing a child’s imagination. In other words, the spirit of ‘let’s pretend,’ which enters into the play of all children, is the very spirit that animates the subconscious mind of every ideal hostess.”
OUR TAKE: We say a gigantic RIGHT ON, Emily Post! Beautifully summed up.

The general take-home message for the host who does it all?

“When the hostess has a good time, the guests usually do too,” Post wrote. We couldn’t agree more!

What NOT to say to a pregnant woman

2011-10-02T14:41:00.000-07:00

If you’ve ever been pregnant or know someone who has been pregnant, than you already know: those nine months (give or take) are an emotional rollercoaster.

Enduring unsolicited advice, prying questions or even a stranger’s patting hand on your expanding belly is enough to send anyone over the edge — especially a pregnant woman!

When we asked friends for some of the things they heard or experienced while pregnant, so many of them had terrible stories of rude, thoughtless comments. And so many of the comments were the same across the board! How many times can a person comment on another person’s body weight? Apparently, a lot.

Many of these advice-givers (and belly-rubbers) have good intentions. They might want to share in the joy of an impending birth, or make a light-hearted joke, or somehow relate to you in a friendly way.

So we’re here to help remind you that some things are not very polite.

• The number one rule? Never, ever ask if someone is pregnant. She could be overweight. She could have just had a baby. She could have just had a miscarriage. She might actually be pregnant but is not ready to talk about it. It doesn’t matter why — it’s very personal. Pregnant women will share the news if they want to talk about it.

• Avoid patting the pregnant woman’s belly — especially if you are a stranger! A pregnant woman sees your hand coming toward her, and she’s going to be worrying about personal boundaries, germs, protecting her child, and any thought associated with being touched by a stranger.

• Think twice before giving (unsolicited) advice. A lot of people don’t realize that childbirth, breastfeeding, even cloth vs. disposable diapering are hot button issues that carry a lot of uncertainty, fear, and guilt. If you are close friends with the mom-to-be, she probably already knows your thoughts on the subjects and will ask questions if she’s interested in your perspective. It is acceptable to say, “If you ever have any interest or questions about epidurals or natural childbirth, or bottle-feeding or breastfeeding, I’m happy to talk about it.” And then leave it at that.

• No reliving of your own pregnancy/morning sickness/childbirth stories! A pregnant mother has enough to worry about without other people’s horror stories. Try to avoid sentences that start out with, “I had the worst...”

And now, here are some of the “pearls of wisdom” our mama-friends have heard during their own pregnancies:

• “Wow, you’re about to pop.” First of all, gross. Second of all, that woman who is about to “pop” may be weeks or months away from giving birth.

• “Wow, you must be due any day now!” See above.

• “You’re huge!” “You’re getting so big!” “Oh, it’s OK, you’re eating for two!” Well, pregnancy does mean that a woman is growing another human being inside of her own body. She's not going to be getting smaller!

• “Your [insert any body part here] is getting wider, so it must be a boy [or girl]!”

• “Are you having twins?”

• “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” This is not as humorous as it might seem when said to a still-pregnant woman. Also, remember that women’s stomachs do not magically shrink immediately after giving birth: you might be asking that question to a sleep-deprived new mom who prefers not to hear your commentary on her body shape or size.

• “Were you trying, or was it a surprise?” Think about what you are asking — you can’t get much more personal than that!

• “Should I say congratulations or I’m sorry?”

• “Enjoy it now!” Or, “Rest now because you won’t be able to soon,” and so on. Basically, you are saying, “Life is about to get terrible.” Not very positive!

If a woman has told you that she is pregnant, there is one very acceptable thing to say: “Congratulations!” Other things — “You look great!” or “Can I help you with that?” — are also welcome!

Perfectly Polished kicks off a new year!

2011-09-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

Perfectly Polished kicked off another school year on Sept. 8! Here’s a behind-the scenes look at what it takes to get a new year going.

We have 70 staff members who help Debra, Cindy, and April teach. A few of our staff are in college, but most are high school students. We tried something new this year and we asked them to complete an application, write a resume, and interview for the job - great practice for their future careers!

Our interview team...

...spent some quality time with many young people, including these folks:

The best part was when they received notification that they got the job: a staff T-shirt sent in the mail, the package filled with confetti and glitter.

We like to have fun, but they take their jobs seriously. We have an attendance policy for staff meetings (if they miss three or more, they leave the staff), and if they must miss work, it is their responsibility to find a replacement. When they’re on the job, they interact with the younger students, not other staff members. You might wonder whether high school students can be held to these standards, and the answer is: of course! With flying colors. And they get leadership and communication skills, too.

So, what do members of our staff actually do? They assist the teachers, mentor the younger children, and have fun with and encourage all of the students. Our younger students adore and truly look up to the high school and college staff for guidance. And our staff gains valuable experience as they learn to take the microphone, stand in front of a group and not only teach but command attention and respect from the audience.

Once we have our staff, we are ready to roll! We regularly visit schools in 12 area counties, teaching etiquette and dance to a total of around 4,000 children and teenagers. So far, we’ve already learned some very valuable information...like how to eat a cupcake...

...how to receive a diploma or certificate...

...and how to speak clearly into a microphone.

We’re looking forward to a great year!

Madonna, hydrangeas, and "Thank you"

2011-09-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

Madonna has made a career of being controversial or provocative, but she’s in the news right now for something a little less dazzling: bad manners.

Have you seen the video? At a recent press conference for her new film, W.E., a fan handed a bouquet of hydrangeas to Madonna, who accepted them graciously enough. She even said “Thank you” twice.

But then she grimaced and said — despite the fact that a microphone was right in front of her — “I absolutely loathe hydrangeas. He obviously doesn’t know that.”

Let’s use this unfortunate incidence as a reminder for all of us. All of us have received a less-than-desirable gift, which probably means that at some point you have given a less-than-desirable gift! Think about the effort and love behind the present. If you open a gift and it’s not what you want, all you need to say is two words.

“Thank you.”

Not “Thank you, but...” or anything else. Just “Thank you.” No need to elaborate. Leave it at that.

Madonna’s reaction makes us think of this little gem from Elsie de Wolfe: “Be pretty as you can, be witty if you must, but be gracious if it kills you!”

Etiquette is...subtle

2011-09-01T17:24:00.000-07:00

Today's blog post comes from Cindy:

I arrived completely obsessive, compulsive, organized, and fully American! Those are almost always great attributes.

“I’m Cindy Haygood, here to pick up my car,” I said, presenting my paperwork. “This is the rental agreement and the receipt.”

It sounded organized and professional, and I’ve gotten to the gist of the transaction right away. All OK - except for a few subtle details. I was not in America, and I was talking to the top of a head! The person behind the desk was still sitting down.

I’m a quick study. I took a step backward, breathed in the island breeze, looked around at the beautiful water and gorgeous flowers and said, “Good morning to you. I hope you are well today.”

The head came up, but no smile. “Good day to you,” he said. “Now, how is it I can help you?”

It took me a full five minutes, but I did manage to get a smile from the man — something usually accomplished within moments, but I was out of my civil clime. As the customer, I presented myself completely with my own viewpoint in mind. My ego was so overcharged that I could not pick up all the signals around me. I based my communication solely on my own thoughts and instincts.

A few short months later, I repeated the scene, but this time I started with, “Good morning, a beautiful day today. I see the bougainvillea is in full bloom...”

Before you travel, be aware of the cultural nuances that influence any interaction, including introductions. With a little research, you can make a better first impression. We will talk about different introductions in other countries in upcoming blog posts!

Off to college!

2011-08-23T18:25:00.000-07:00

For many college freshmen, the education extends far beyond the classroom as they experience so many firsts: living away from family, meal-planning, budgeting, paying bills, doing laundry...

What about manners?

If they’re lucky, they’ve gotten a foundation in etiquette at home, but that’s not always the case. But even students (including those we’ve taught at Perfectly Polished) who are well-versed in etiquette have a few surprises.

“It’s really important to remember that everyone comes from a different culture,” said one college freshmen, who is going to a large state college after attending a small private school. “Even if everybody is from Georgia, we have all come from a unique culture.”

That might mean that cussing up a storm might offend your new roommate—or, alternately, holding a door for fellow classmates may prompt them to “look at you like you are from Mars because no one has ever held the door for them,” says our friend.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t hold doors open for friends—it’s not outdated to be nice to people, especially if you’re trying to make friends. And it’s important to remember the basics: “If someone bumps into you, look them in the eye, smile and say sorry.”

Other advice for the college freshman from the college freshman, gathered from former Perfectly Polished students:

• Oversleeping doesn’t mean you should wear your pajamas to class! Take a few extra minutes to get properly dressed before you step outside.

• If you are talking to someone, take your earbuds out of your ears, even if you think you can hear the other person.

• Similarly, if you are talking to someone, don’t text at the same time! Give your full attention to the person in front of you.

• Don’t overextend yourself. We heard a story where a freshman applied to a student organization, was accepted but then, feeling overwhelmed, skipped the first meeting. After that, she was not chosen for leadership positions in other campus organizations.

• “Be where your feet are,” says a friend. Live in the present! Don’t miss out on things happening around you—classes, meals, activities, friends—because you’re stuck in the past of dreaming about the future.

• Got a roommate? Have a chat about noise and cleanliness.

• Try talking. Be the one to start a conversation in the elevator, make afternoon plans with friends, or ask questions in class.

• You don’t have to be from the South to call professors (or any university employee) “ma’am” and “sir.”

• If you see someone having trouble—lost on campus, confused in the student bookstore, looking lonely outside of the dorm—ask if you can help.

• If someone gives you help, accept it graciously and say thank you!

To tip or not to tip: the hair salon owner

2011-08-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

Tipping has a storied history. Though there is some controversy to this particular tale, it is widely believed that once upon a time, tips were given before a service was rendered — “To Insure Promptness,” get it? Tip beforehand and get better service, people thought.

How the times change! As we’ve mentioned before, it’s customary to tip your hairdresser at least 15-20 percent. But what if your hairdresser is also the salon owner?

You might be wondering why that would make a difference. Conventional etiquette wisdom has long held that you do not tip your hairdresser if he or she is also the salon owner.

But when we talked to several friends who are certified etiquette experts, we were reminded again how etiquette changes with the times.

Several of the experts tip their hairdressers (who are also the salon owners) every time, saying the gesture is thoughtful and shows appreciation for their services. One said she would tip a hairdresser/owner only if the service was exceptional.

One expert said that after going to the same hairdresser for years, the hairdresser opened her own salon. Our friend still tips her for her quality services. The owner shouldn’t be penalized for taking a business risk and probably needs the tips more now than ever, she said.

If you are going to a new hairdresser, there’s no need to ask whether he or she is the owner to determine whether to tip—err on the side of caution and tip anyway! If the hairdresser makes it known that he or she is the owner, then you have a decision to make.

To tip or not to tip a salon owner? If you feel strongly compelled to tip, then do so—just know that it is not required.

Manners at school

2011-08-04T18:40:00.001-07:00

Can you believe school is right around the corner? In fact, some schools in our area have already started. If you haven’t already, it’s time to celebrate the end of summer vacation in grand fashion—one last trip to the pool, beach, lake, or lawn sprinkler may be in order—and get ready for school.

And of course, it’s an excellent time to remind the children in your life of good manners.

“As parents and students prepare for the start of another school year, teaching children everyday etiquette can be the greatest gift that we can give kids,” says Hilary Brennan, an ELI-trained and certified etiquette consultant in Morristown, NJ. “A nervous buzz of excitement and apprehension can be felt in the hallways those first weeks of school as children venture off in September.”

(Or, if you live here, August!)

Here are our tips for making a smooth transition from summer to school with good manners:

• Model good behavior. Parents, if you are accompanying your children to an open house of the first day of school, remember to lead by your example. Children are like thermometers—if you are nervous, they will be too. And if you are confident and friendly, they’ll mirror that.

• Watch the clock. If you want to make a good impression, be on time. This holds true for everyone, so why not start encouraging this behavior with children? Teachers appreciate it, the day runs smoother, and it makes those rare days when you are inescapably late less offensive.

• Start the welcome wagon. What if your child is a seasoned, well-behaved student who knows the ropes? Encourage him or her to welcome new students with a solid introduction (don’t forget to smile and make eye contact) and an offer to help in any way. This kind of life skill translates to future success: Today’s friendly student leader is tomorrow’s company vice president.

• Be kind. Adults know that it’s the little things that can turn a day around for the better, and children can start this approach now by opening doors for others (especially if they are loaded down with piles of books or otherwise having trouble), helping others pick up dropped items...and not joining in on teasing, name-calling, or other forms of bullying.

“From the moment they step onto their bus, well before learning begins, students will need essential skills to help navigate through their day—making eye contact, using a confident leadership voice, and maintaining good posture,” says Brennan. “In daily life, social skills affect everything you do and makes navigating everyday life easier. These skills need to be practiced, take time to develop and need to be cultivated. The transition to the classroom, field or stage can be smoother when kids are prepared, aware and confident in any circumstance.”

"Molasses Classes" no more!

2011-07-27T18:28:00.000-07:00

When you think of non-fiction books about effective teaching strategies, “page turner” probably doesn’t come to mind.

That’s only because you haven’t yet read Ron Clark’s new book, “The End of Molasses Classes.”

First, there’s the title. What’s a “molasses class?” Clark — author, Disney “American Teacher of the Year,” and Oprah Winfrey’s first “Phenomenal Man” — explains it right away. Molasses means slow, and that’s exactly how he would describe so many classrooms in the U.S.: slow-moving classrooms sapped of all energy, with drained teachers and half-asleep students.

That’s the exact opposite of what you get at the Ron Clark Academy in Atlanta and with this book. Much of that is due to his writing voice—engaging, bright, energetic, just like Clark is in real life (as we know, from visiting the school often as etiquette instructors). But he also includes so many real-life examples of how he’s solved problems in the classroom and in the homes of his inspiring students, that by the end the reader feels like he or she knows them.

That’s all very well and good, you say, but what’s the book about?

In a nutshell, it’s about energizing and improving teachers so they can invigorate their classrooms, reach their students, and create a difference in education so strong that Clark calls it a revolution. Readers can learn how to do this in part by reading about RCA’s core values.

It is clear that the school is a highly disciplined environment, but that within those rigid guidelines is plenty of room to thrive and even shine. Clark and other RCA teachers push their students, often giving grades that are probably lower than what students would get at other places—but those high expectations result in not only impressive test scores but also a love for learning. Students feel loved, too: Clark visits students homes just to see how they are studying, and invites them to his house for dinner. School trips routinely include visits to other countries (global learning is a hallmark at RCA). Teachers get to work early and stay late, and think nothing of volunteering their time to put together last-minute events or even remodel a student’s dire living conditions.

The book also offers tips to parents on how to encourage their children without being “a helicopter parent,” he writes. “You can’t come to their rescue forever...Parents need to learn that there is a difference between supporting and interfering.” (Interfering, as illustrated by several examples he’s experienced, includes insisting a student hasn’t cheated when he has, or complaining about or demanding changes to grades.)

Clark’s clear devotion to his students is impressive, especially his way of becoming involved in their personal lives — a brave choice, when many teachers keep students’ home lives (especially when they are messy, and thus more in need of intervention) at arm’s length.

Not every school can have a giant blue slide that goes from the second to first floor. Not every school can rewire a classroom to accommodate a “magical red button” that triggers a strobe light display to celebrate everyday achievements. Not every school can incorporate Hogwarts-style school houses.

But there are plenty of changes people can make that cost nothing at all, other than your time and commitment. Those investments yield so much, as evidenced by the heartwarming (sometimes tear-jerking!) success stories of RCA students.

In fact, by the time you finish the book, you’ll wish you could be an RCA student, too!

Conference etiquette

2011-07-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

Conferences are a wonderful way to learn more about your job, network, or simply explore personal growth. If you are preparing to attend one, please remember that manners are just as important at conferences as they are anywhere else.

Here are just a few tips for registered guests:

• Remember that guests paid to hear the lecturer’s expertise. Please refrain from whispering or chatting incessantly while the presenter is speaking.

• Similarly, if an attendee asks a question, let the lecturer answer it — don’t jump in to answer it yourself or otherwise derail or monopolize the conversation.

• If your workshop does not require you to have your laptop, iPad or other tech equipment out on the table, keep it in your bag and look at the presenter as he or she is talking.

• Remember to silence those cell phones! If you are expecting an extremely important call, be prepared to take it out in the hallway.

• If you have questions, write them down—most presenters will tell you there will be time at the end of the session to answer questions.

• Arriving late or leaving early can be a distraction. But what if the session you are in is starting to run late, and you have another session to attend? Stay until the last possible moment, and then quietly make your exit. Then, later, either speak to or leave a note for the presenter who was running late, apologizing for leaving early but explaining that you had to get to the next session. Be sure to tell the speaker how much you enjoyed the presentation, and mention if you've learned something new - that way, you can turn something negative (leaving early) into something positive (conveying that you learned valuable information).

July is National Cell Phone Courtesy Month

2011-07-16T18:32:00.000-07:00

How many times have you overheard a complete stranger’s most personal details, loudly shared during a cell phone call? Or tried to watch a movie in a theater, only to be distracted by the flashing lights of text messages?

We’ve shared before a handy guide on when and where you should turn off your cell phone. It’s a topic worth revisiting, especially since July is National Cell Phone Courtesy Month!

Jacqueline Whitmore, founder of National Cell Phone Courtesy Month

In July 2002, etiquette expert Jacqueline Whitmore saw a need for education on proper cell phone use. Then she realized no such awareness formally existed—so she formed National Cell Phone Courtesy Month herself.

Whitmore is the founder of the Protocol School of Palm Beach and the author of Business Class: Etiquette Essentials for Success at Work (St. Martin’s Press, 2005) and the upcoming Poised for Success (St. Martin’s Press, November 2011). She has appeared on ABC’s 20/20, The Fox Report with Shepard Smith, CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360°, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, ExtraTV, CNBC, and FoxBusiness.com.

So, as you might imagine, she was uniquely qualified to start an awareness campaign on cell phone etiquette.

Even though that was 9 years ago, Whitmore says she still sees plenty of bad cell phone manners, both in texting and calling, and it’s not just young people who are the offenders.

“The Millenials or Gen-Ys do more texting, but I think the Baby Boomers are catching up as much,” she said during a recent phone call. “Each generation violates their own set of cell phone etiquette rules.”

Common cell phone pet peeves include the “cell yell” (someone loudly sharing a private conversation or even argument while on the phone), calling or texting at movie theaters or concerts, and customers refusing to get off the phone while a sales clerk, bank teller or other service industry workers attempt to help them.

The phone itself isn’t a problem, she says: it’s how you use it.

“I don’t mind texting,” she said. “It’s only a problem when you do it in the company of other people, not paying attention to the person you’re with.”

These days, even young children have cell phones designed and marketed especially to them—not just toys meant to model mom’s or dad’s phone, but working cell phones. We asked Whitmore whether she thought such early exposure to technology would change the way children interact socially with others as they grow—would they, for example, be unable to look at someone in the face while talking to them, so used to communicating via texting?

Again, Whitmore suggested the phone is a tool, and it’s up to parents to teach their children how and when to use it.

“Children are receiving their messages of what’s right and wrong from their parents,” she said. “When they see their parents engaging in poor cell phone behavior, they think that’s the right way to act.”

So, parents: if you out to dinner, the movies, or anywhere else it’s inappropriate to use your phone, and you tell your children to put the phones away, that means you need to follow your own advice.

“You can’t have a double standard,” she said.

We are pleased to share with you Whitmore’s top 10 cell phone etiquette tips, used with permission from her blog. For more information, visit her website.

1. Be all there. When you’re in a meeting, performance, courtroom or other busy area, let calls go to voicemail to avoid a disruption. In some instances, it’s best to put your phone on silent mode.

2. Keep it private. Be aware of your surroundings and avoid discussing private or confidential information in public. You never know who may be in hearing range.

3. Keep your cool. Don’t display anger during a public call. Conversations that are likely to be emotional should be held where they will not embarrass or intrude on others.

4. Learn to vibe. Use your wireless phone’s silent or vibration settings in public places such as business meetings, religious services, schools, restaurants, theaters or sporting events so that you don’t disrupt your surroundings.

5. Avoid “cell yell.” Remember to use your regular conversational tone when speaking on your wireless phone. People tend to speak more loudly than normal and often don’t recognize how distracting they can be to others.

6. Follow the rules. Some places, such as some restaurants or courtrooms, restrict or prohibit the use of mobile phones, so adhere to posted signs and instructions. Some jurisdictions may also restrict mobile phone use in public places.

7. Excuse yourself. If you’re expecting a call that can’t be postponed, alert your companions ahead of time and excuse yourself when the call comes in; the people you’re with should take precedence over calls you want to make or receive.

8. Send a text message when you want to send a quick message. But remember not to text while having a conversation with another person. It’s important to give others, especially clients and customers, your full, undivided attention.

9. Watch and listen discreetly. Multimedia applications such as streaming video and music are great ways to stay informed and access the latest entertainment. Use earphones to avoid distracting others in public areas.

10. Don’t text and drive. Don’t put your life or those of others at risk. Pull over if you absolutely must send a message or wait until you reach your destination.

Terrific Tuesdays with the Ron Clark Academy

2011-07-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

The Ron Clark Academy is such a special place, and we are honored to have a relationship with them!

During the school year, we have Terrific Tuesdays. On these days, Debra and a handful of college staff members pile into the car and head to Atlanta for a fun-filled afternoon.

On Terrific Tuesdays, we teach two classes ranging from 15-25 students a variety of topics. We cover all the basics, but also some oft-forgotten details: how to properly use chopsticks, write thank-you notes, or receive a diploma. You know, the fun stuff.

There’s also dancing, of course. We teach the Cha-Cha, Waltz, Fox Trot, Electric Slide, and the Snap. In return, we learn some new dance moves, too, sometimes invented on the spot by our students.

There’s also a gigantic blue slide.

Yes, the Ron Clark Academy has a big blue indoor slide—you see it right when you come in the front doors of the main building. Getting “slide-certified” is quite an honor. You climb to the top of the slide, listen to students down below sing a special song, and then down you go.

We just finished our second year of Terrific Tuesdays, and can't wait to return to the Ron Clark Academy the next school year!

Tattoos & etiquette

2011-06-29T17:23:00.001-07:00

Tattoos have been a part of human culture for thousands of years.

The Otzi Iceman, discovered near the Italian-Austrian border and carbon-dated at around 5,2000 years old, had tattoos. Mummies show us that Egyptian women (and exclusively women, it appears, possibly believed to safeguard them during pregnancy and childbirth) commonly had tattoos. The Iron Age Scythians, an ancient Iranian people, had tattoos — often of mythological animals, and generally a mark of nobility.

Many, many more cultures across the globe have used tattoos throughout history as protective or therapeutic symbols, a way to mark your status in society, or self-expression. Fighting in a war, the birth of a child, the death of a loved one, a religious or inspirational symbol — all of these occasions are often immortalized in tattoos.

These days, you are just as likely to see that permanent body art on a young person: more than a third of young adults who responded to a 2007 Pew Research study have tattoos. Another Pew Study says that 40 percent of Americans between the ages of 26 and 40 have tattoos.

As tattoos become more commonplace — especially among young people, those to whom we teach etiquette the most — the time is ripe to discuss etiquette.

Is it OK to stare at someone’s tattoos? Is it OK to ask a complete stranger about them? Is it OK to share your (often unsolicited) advice about tattoos?

We talked with a lot of young people who have them — from a woman with a single bird on her back to a man whose body is nearly covered with them — and got a variety of answers with several common themes.

In the end, you’ll have to use your judgment. A good friend will likely be more open to discussing body art than a complete stranger, but there are occasions when asking a stranger about his or her tattoo is acceptable. Some people we interviewed welcomed the opportunity to chat with strangers; others said they are not comfortable talking to strangers about their tattoos. Watch for social cues — if someone is giving you signals that they don’t want to talk about it, respect that.

Initiating conversation, asking questions

Say you notice a stranger’s tattoo and find it intriguing. You want to know more. Is it ever appropriate to initiate conversation — and if so, when?

One friend compares her tattoo to a piece of clothing or accessory: if the tattoo is in a visible area, feel free to ask questions about it like you might ask about someone’s earrings or dress. If the tattoo is covered or partially covered, don’t ask about it. Think of it this way: you might see a glimpse of a stranger’s undergarments, but you wouldn’t ask questions about them.

People who view their tattoos as art often want to share them with the larger world. A friend who has extensive visible tattoos welcomes questions from strangers. It’s a conversation icebreaker, he says, and he finds himself talking to people he may not otherwise meet. As a frequent traveler, he has found that strangers in both large cities and rural areas have responded in ways others might find surprising: open, curious, engaged, polite.

Another friend with visible tattoos who works with the public says she’s happy to answer quick questions and has enjoyed some interesting conversations that way.

On the other hand, another friend says that even if her tattoos are visible, she got them for her own benefit, partially as a way of to feel less alienated and more connected to her body. She answers tactful questions, but briefly — she doesn’t want to spend too much time discussing them.

Discussing the meaning behind them

If the tattoo is plainly visible, and if it’s clear that the person is not avoiding having a conversation with you, it’s acceptable to ask a stranger, “Would you mind telling me about your tattoo?” If the answer is no, accept that. If it is yes, than be prepared: some people get tattoos that are quite esoteric and require lengthy explanations. Others get tattoos to commemorate events both happy and tragic.

Refrain from asking why they got a tattoo. If they want to tell you, they’ll include that as they discuss the meaning behind it. If they don’t tell you, that story is meant to stay private.

Don’t read a tattoo made up of text out loud, and then simply wait for the person to respond to you. That’s not an engaging way to start a discussion. Asking, “Could you tell me what your arm tattoo says?” is better.

Never touch or grab someone’s arm, leg, or any other body part in order to examine the tattoo. Similarly, do not try to adjust someone’s clothing in order to get a better look of the tattoo underneath. Respect personal space.

As in any conversation, pay attention to your tone of voice: genuine interest will win out over judgmental disdain every time.

Things not to say (that our friends have actually heard)

• “That must have hurt!” Maybe, maybe not. Pain tolerance varies.
• “Tattoo-to-teeth ratio.” That’s a rather classist way of looking at people who get tattoos (remember: good tattoos are expensive). Or are you making an assumption about someone’s personal hygiene?
• “You can handle a tattoo but not (surgery, IV insertion, shots at the doctor’s office, tooth pain, etc.)?” The pain of getting a tattoo is not the same kind of pain experienced during dental work, shots, or even childbirth — there’s no comparison.
• “Do you regret getting it?” If they do, they certainly don’t want to discuss it with a stranger.
• “You’d look better without them.” Would you ever say, “You’d look better without that terrible haircut/outfit/makeup”? (We hope not!)
• “You shouldn’t get anymore.” The number of tattoos a person has is a personal choice.
• “Why would you do something like that?” Remember, they’d tell you if they feel like sharing. Reasons for permanent body art are often very personal.
• “Why don’t you get 666 tattooed on your forehead?” That doesn’t even make sense.
• “So-and-so got Hepatitis C from a tattoo.” Strict health regulations in reputable tattoo businesses make this concern out-of-date.

Expressing your opinion on the tattoo

There is a very simple rule for this: if you dislike someone’s tattoo — just like if you dislike someone’s personal appearance in any way — keep that thought to yourself.

In other words, follow the classic rule: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Training Week!

2011-06-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

Once again, it’s training week!

We’ve mentioned that we love our job, right? Because we do!

Through Perfectly Polished: The Etiquette School, we teach around 4,000 children and teenagers a year in 12 area counties. (Not bad considering we started out in 1985 with just 20 students.)

That means we know what we’re talking about when we train others to become certified children’s etiquette experts. Since 2005, when we acquired the children’s training division of the Protocol School of Washington, we’ve trained and certified 350 children’s etiquette consultants.

This week's trainees come from all over the country. One attendee is already a certified etiquette consultant through PSOW’s corporate etiquette branch — but we’re teaching her everything there is to know about children and etiquette. It's a busy, fun week for everyone: we observe and help teach at the Ron Clark Academy in Atlanta; we learn about props and other ways to reach children; we brush up on dance steps and dining etiquette; we work directly with the young people of Perfectly Polished. And that's just a small taste of our activities! When they leave our training, every single consultant will be armed with teaching materials, a business plan, and our limitless future support.

Want to join us next time? Please do!

Etiquette in time for Flag Day

2011-06-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

Flag Day is June 14. It commemorates the day the Second Continental Congress adopted the flag of the United States in 1777.

This is an appropriate time of year to display the American flag, especially with July 4 right around the corner - and there is definitely a proper way to do it.

• If the flag is hanging outside on a staff (from a windowsill, balcony, or front of your house): Make sure the union of the flag is at the peak of the staff, unless the flag is at half-staff (one-half the distance between the top and bottom of the staff).

• If the flag is hanging outside over a street or sidewalk, suspended from rope, not a staff: Make sure the flag hangs vertically from the rope, with the union to the north or east.

• If you are displaying a flag that is not being flown from a staff, indoors or out: Make sure the flag stays flat, and that the union is uppermost and on the left-hand side (from the observer’s point of view).

Now that you know how to display one...go buy a flag and get ready for Flag Day on Tuesday!

Borrow it? Return it!

2011-06-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

How many of these pans need to be returned?

We've all had that moment. Rooting around in the garage, cleaning off the bookshelf, rummaging through a drawer, and then you see it: that thing you borrowed ages ago - a snow shovel, a book, a baking pan. You realize you completely forgot to return it. How long has it been since your friend let you borrow that bracelet? A month? Two months? A year? Two years?

It's never too late to return something borrowed. It might be embarrassing, but we've all forgotten to return things. Call your friends and share the good news that you've retrieved that long-lost item (which, truthfully, they may have forgotten as well). There's no need for a dramatic explanation or extended groveling. In fact, apologize just one time, and that's it. And then make plans to return the item as soon as possible!

Although, if you happen to be returning a long-lost baking pan of some kind, it wouldn't hurt to include some tasty baked goods to sweeten the deal. Just saying.

Let's all go to the movies

2011-05-27T07:09:00.000-07:00

When we were in line to buy movie tickets the other night, we were surprised to see a small group of younger teenagers get turned away at the ticket box.

But then we saw a sign prominently posted by the window. At this particular theater, no one 17 and under is allowed to purchase tickets for any movie after 8 p.m. unless they are accompanied by a parent or legal guardian.

That’s right—any movie, even a G-rated one. Such a ban must have been prompted by repeated bad behavior.

Has it really gotten that bad?

It’s safe to say that now is a good time to go over good manners at the movies.

• Turn off your phone. If you must have it on, silence it. If you are expecting a possible emergency call, put it on vibrate. But keep it in your pocket. That means no random checking of the time, no text messaging, no Facebook updates (as we witnessed at the last movie we attended). And if you actually do get a phone call you absolutely must answer, leave the theater and go to the lobby to do so.

• Find a baby-sitter if the movie is not appropriate for children. If you’re watching an adult movie and bring children, they will likely be bored, scared or disruptive—and who can blame them for crying, sitting in a dark room full of strangers and loud noises? Don’t punish the children for acting their age; just make arrangements for them to stay home. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no screen time at all for children under the age of 2, so your child won’t miss anything anyway. For preschoolers, check to see if your local theater offers special screenings just for children.

• Stop talking. Seriously. The actors on-screen can’t hear you, and other theater goers are less interested in your opinion than you may think. Some epic scenes deserve audible gasps, explosive laughter, or the occasional sobbing, but please refrain from loudly narrating the film (“Oh, she’s opening that door!”) to sharing spoilers (“That guy’s about to get shot!”).

• Be aware of your body. Even if the floor’s sticky, keep your feet on the ground, not on the seat in front of you next to some unfortunate person’s head. If you need to use the restroom, excuse yourself quickly but without trampling other people’s feet. Use the arm rests, but keep your elbows in your own space. Keep your snacks (and any snack-related trash) to yourself.

Enjoy the show!

School's out...now, get a job!

2011-05-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

Around here, school’s out for the summer! Teenagers everywhere are searching for summer jobs — which means résumé writing, possibly for the very first time.

A teenager’s first résumé will look different from an experienced applicant’s, but it can still help land a job.

DO include:
• All of your contact information — full name, mailing address (use a street address, not P.O. Box), phone number, and e-mail address.
• Your education experience, which, at this age, usually means just listing your high school.
• Any previous job experience (even if it’s baby-sitting or mowing lawns). If you’re applying for your very first job, you can include volunteering projects and extracurricular activities at school.
• At least three references, and be sure to ask permission before listing them so they won’t be caught off-guard if a prospective employer contacts them.

Do NOT include:
• A link to your blog or other social media (Twitter, Facebook) with your contact information.
• Any unusual fonts — keep things uniform and clean-looking on the page.
• A list of your personal hobbies and interests.
• A photograph of yourself.

If this is your first job, keep the résumé to one page — and good luck!

N.E.W. Day 5: Free Friday!

2011-05-13T09:54:00.000-07:00

As National Etiquette Week draws to a close, we celebrate…

FREE FRIDAY!

We understand the importance of living frugally, especially in this economy. People everywhere are learning new ways to save money, and partly for that reason there’s been a resurging interest in the old ways of living: growing your own food and even canning or preserving it; D.I.Y home repairs; making your own clothes; and finding every possible way to reuse items before recycling them.

More and more, we eat meals at home to save money but end up appreciating the extra family time. We play at parks with children in lieu of costly vacations, and realize how good it feels to get exercise. We work in the garden, learning as we go, and find out that homegrown food is the best-tasting kind.

See? Sometimes the best things in life are free!

That includes etiquette. Manners cost nothing at all, but what a return! You make other people feel good, and that makes you happy, too. Even the smallest gesture can make the biggest impact.

National Etiquette Week may be over, but you can keep celebrating it year-round—and remember, it’s absolutely free.

N.E.W. Day 4: Thank You Thursday!

2011-05-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

Today is Day 4 of National Etiquette Week, which we’re calling…

THANK YOU THURSDAY!

Let's face it: for the most part, letter-writing is becoming a lost art. We have texting and e-mail and instant messaging and chat and Facebook and Twitter...why should we take the time to pick up a pen and paper and hand-write a note?

Because a letter is a tangible reminder of someone who cares about you. It's something you can keep in a box — your grandchildren are not going to sift through your e-mails in delight, but they might have fun looking at old letters bundled and found in the attic. You can look at the unique curves and lines of someone's handwriting and think of them in a way that just doesn’t happen when you stare at a computer or smartphone screen.

Thank-you notes in particular seem like a novelty these days, but they are so important. When someone takes the time to write a note of thanks, you know you made an impression. When you write a thank-you note, you take a moment to appreciate a person in your life and his or her generosity and kindness, which surely makes for having a better day in general. And getting mail is fun!

Children can write thank-you notes, too. They don’t have to be long—just a few lines will do. Very young children can dictate thank-you notes, which can make for some humorous keepsakes. Older children’s handwriting will be preserved and treasured for years to come.

Come back tomorrow for the last day of National Etiquette Week!

N.E.W. Day 3: Welcome Wednesday!

2011-05-11T07:08:00.000-07:00

Today is Day 3 of National Etiquette Week, otherwise known around these parts as…

WELCOME WEDNESDAY!

We don’t mean saying, “You’re welcome” (although that’s important, too). We mean creating a welcoming environment for others. How do you do that? With yourself, of course!

Think of three things:

• Your smile. If you want others to feel comfortable around you, give a friendly smile. If you’re worried about looking fake, refer to a mental image of someone or something — a friend, a pet, a good meal, whatever — that really makes you smile. In time you’ll realize you’re smiling because you actually like other people!

• Your handshake. Too strong? Too weak? Strike the right balance with a firm (but not crushing) handshake. Let it last for a moment, but not eons.

• Genuine conversation. This can be very difficult for shy people. If the idea of speaking to strangers (or even friends) at social events strikes fear in your heart, think of a few conversation points beforehand, so you feel prepared. If it’s a spontaneous interaction, try to be yourself — a phrase that may sound meaningless, but should at least remind you to stick to what you know. And remember that an important part of a conversation is taking a break from talking to listen to the other person. Don’t feel like talking much? Ask a few questions, and simply listen to the responses.

See you tomorrow for Day 4 of National Etiquette Week!

N.E.W. Day 2: Tip 'Em Tuesday!

2011-05-10T09:33:00.000-07:00

Today is Day 2 of National Etiquette Week. We call it…

TIP ‘EM TUESDAY!

Have you ever heard the story of "T.I.P."? There is more than one, including a little controversy.

The story goes that it stands for "To Insure Promptness," and that once upon a time, customers would put money on the table before the service to ensure that it was good.

There’s another story about T.I.P. By the early 1700s, coffeehouses were flourishing in London, according to "The Art of the Table." At establishments called “penny universities,” customers could get a cup of coffee for a penny, according to the book; for two pence, customers could get a newspaper, candle and bowl of coffee.

"Payment for coffee was collected in a brass-bound box inscribed with the words 'to insure promptness' — hence the expression ‘tip,’ today a remuneration given in appreciation of service," reads the book.

But is that true? Snopes says no.

"Although handing over a gratuity prior to the act might inspire the one receiving the largess to provide a higher level of service, there is nothing 'insured' about the transaction," says Snopes.

People first used word "tip" to describe the act of giving something to someone as early as 1610, continues Snopes. "Tip" became a slang word (not an abbreviation) and was first common in the crime world before becoming respectable.

What do we say?

We say that the origin of the word "tip" doesn’t matter as much as actually remembering to tip your server!

Today, put yourself in the shoes of your waiter or cab driver or hair stylist — and tip ‘em! If you aren’t sure about standard tipping these days, use our guide!

TIPPING GUIDE
Restaurant servers: 15—20 percent
Room service: 15—20 percent
Food delivery person: 15 percent
Pool attendant: nothing for a towel; for a lounge chair, $1—2
Hotel housekeeper: $1—2 per day
Golf course attendant: $2—3 per bag
Caddy: $25—50 per bag
Skycap: $1—2 per bag; extra if he secures your airline seat for you
Tour guide: $1—5 per person
Hotel doorman: for hailing a taxi, $1
Emergency roadside service: $5—20, depending on the service
Hairdresser: 15—20 percent (but do not tip the salon’s owner)
Shampooer: $2—5
Spa assistants: 15 percent

Come back tomorrow for Day 3 of National Etiquette Week!

Welcome to National Etiquette Week

2011-05-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

Happy National Etiquette Week! That’s right — the annual celebration since 1997 is happening right now, May 9-13. We think it’s an excellent way to remind us all about manners and why they truly exist: to be kind and courteous to others.

That’s the heart of etiquette, really. We love all of the details of etiquette — dining, conversations, socializing, even dancing — because they all have the same goal, which is to put everyone at ease so you can enjoy each other’s company. Not a bad idea, right? Wanting to make others comfortable is important, because it means you care about them. Last we checked, caring about others is an important foundation of humanity.

So, before we get too philosophical, what’s the theme of this year’s week? “Manners: Small Gestures, Big Impact.” We love it. It totally captures our personal take on etiquette: that the details matter, that it’s not hard to incorporate etiquette into everyday life, and even the smallest signs of kindness yield big rewards.

We’ve come up with a way to celebrate the week every day with little mini-themes, which we’ll share here. What’s today?

MANIC MONDAY!

It’s not just a Bangles song(though it’s an awfully catchy one). Today, Manic Monday means adapting new behavior through repetition. “Please,” “You’re Welcome,” “Excuse me” — these are phrases that are easy to forget but have big impact when you remember to say them. Practice makes perfect, so say this today. A lot!

Come back tomorrow to see what’s up for Tuesday!

The humble napkin

2011-05-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

Napkins are one of those elements of etiquette that are completely practical: they keep your clothes and (in a pinch) your face clean. They were even more useful to our ancient ancestors, whose mealtimes resembled miniature baths.

Let's talk about cutlery first. Forks first appeared in 11th century Tuscany, where they were rejected by clergy and others who said that humans were meant to use their fingers while eating. Wealthy Tuscans ignored that advice, and eventually others followed suit — thought it took about 100 years for forks to be commonly accepted there.

Forks remained a novelty everywhere else until around the 18th century, with the French leading the way in using forks as a symbol of nobility. What did people use instead of forks? Knives, spoons, and their hands (showing good manners meant using the first three fingers instead of all five, avoiding using the ring finger and pinkie —talk about dainty!).

So you see, napkins were an absolute necessity to keep hands clean throughout a multi-course meal.

As you might expect, napkins used to be quite large—about the size of today’s bath towel. Ancient Egyptians, Romans and Greeks used these extra large napkins along with flower- and herb-scented finger bowls, or small bowls with water. Have a bite, get your fingers wet, towel off.

Once forks became commonly used, there was less of a need to practically wash your hands at the dinner table, and napkins started getting smaller - the perfect size to keep in your lap.

Moments in history!

2011-04-28T10:31:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder about our ancestors' early sense of manners?

Around 2500 B.C., "The Instructions of Ptahhotep" (sometimes called "The Maxims of Ptahhotep," or "The Precepts of Ptah-Hotep") was the Emily Post of the day - if Post had been grand vizier under the pharaoh Isesi, that is. There is some question as to when the wisdom of Ptahhotep (or Ptahhotpe or Ptah-Hotep) was recorded, and there are discrepancies between a papyrus version and texts of the instructions at the British Museum.

That said, the basic idea is clear: this is a collection of ancient advice given to young men who wanted to get ahead in life. Important topics include ignoring rumors, proper leadership, and taking the high road:

• "Do not repeat any extravagance of language; do not listen to it; it is a thing which has escaped from a hasty mouth. If it is repeated, look, without hearing it, toward the earth; say nothing in regard to it."

• "Inspire not men with fear. Let one provide sustenance for them in the lap of peace; it will then be that they will freely give what has been torn from them by terror."

• "If you are powerful, respect knowledge and calmness of language. Let not your heart be haughty, neither let it be mean."

• "If you desire that your conduct should be good and preserved from all evil, keep yourself from every attack of bad humor. When a man has established his just equilibrium and walks in this path, there where he makes his dwelling, there is no room for bad humor."

• "Grumble not over your own affairs."

• "Let your countenance be cheerful during the time of your existence."

Sometimes the best advice is old advice! More moments in etiquette history to come!

Hunting Easter eggs & good manners

2011-04-21T16:12:00.000-07:00

We’re at the tail end of prime Easter egg hunting season — the big day is this Sunday. But it’s not too late to talk about etiquette for the cluster of last-minute hunts and get-togethers.

For your consideration:

• Those who receive invitations to an egg hunt should not only RSVP promptly, but ask if they can help prepare, such as offering to bring pre-filled eggs. It’s very likely that the hunted eggs will be of the plastic variety, which are both inexpensive to buy and easy to fill. If you would rather not buy plastic, you can take an egg carton, cut out two cups, and tape them together. You don’t have to spend a fortune on treats, either—very small children are happy with candy, stickers, even coins (as in pennies!). One child we know was very pleased with the small stone painted like a ladybug that he found in an egg.

• Even though there are enough eggs to go around, there’s always some small skirmish over an egg for which two tiny hands reach at once. This is a good time to gently remind your child of the importance of sharing.

• The impulse to dress your young children impeccably may be strong—this is wonderful photo opportunity, after all. But remember that egg hunting involves being outside and rummaging around in the dirt and grass (and who knows what else). Go for clothes that can get dirty or stained without any heartache.

• Make an egg hunt part of a larger event, like an Easter brunch, lunch or dinner. This is a fantastic idea, especially for those who may be without family during the holidays. Invite co-workers or classmates who would otherwise spend the day alone.

Happy hunting!

Holding Your Breath #4

2011-04-14T07:20:00.000-07:00

A friend of ours admits that using heightened manners around her preschool-aged daughter sometimes feels a little strange.

It's not that she and her husband are usually rude to each other — although she jokes that, if alone, she’d be much more likely to tell him "Move!" than the measured "Excuse me," she uses around their child. Our friend makes an effort to model good behavior, always saying "please" and "thank you," and they tell their daughter that they're proud of her when she behaves well.

"It's the parents' job to teach their child how to be kind toward others and good manners are a part of that," she says.

All that hard work paid off on a recent trip to the library.

Our friend's daughter was playing with a toy there; an older boy bossily told her that she couldn't play with it (which wasn't true). Our friend stayed out of it, watching to see what would happen.

"Instead of yelling at him or being rude, she said, 'But I’m playing with it,' in a very calm voice," says our friend. After this exchange happened several times, with the child only repeating calmly that she was playing with it, the older boy "just look confused — I guess because she didn't yell or get mad," says our friend.

"I think teaching good manners is very important," she adds. "I feel by teaching manners you are preparing your child for life."

Sometimes, when you hold your breath, you are pleasantly surprised.

Working with the Ron Clark Academy

2011-04-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Referencing a 1945 edition of Emily Post's Etiquette!

Does the name Ron Clark ring a bell?

It might — Clark won the 2001 Disney Teacher of the Year award, appeared twice on the Oprah Winfrey show (Winfrey named him her first “Phenomenal Man”), and had his story made into a TV movie (starring Matthew Perry) in 2006. Clark is also the author of “The Essential 55: An Award-Winning Educator’s Rules for Discovering the Successful Student in Every Child” and “The Essential 11: Qualities Teachers and Parents Use to Motivate, Inspire, and Educate Children.”

The private, non-profit Ron Clark Academy in Atlanta opened in 2007, teaching fifth to eighth graders from a wide range of backgrounds.

We have the total joy of working directly with these students.

Since 2009, we have driven from Athens every Tuesday to teach etiquette in the after school program. Ron Clark students learn that table manners are applicable even to afternoon snacks. They keep leadership journals and learn the innate reward of doing things for others, even without acknowledgment. We teach social dance, and the joy of learning new steps — even if it’s a cha-cha or waltz — is universal, regardless of the background of each student.

On our website, Clark has been kind of enough to speak of our relationship with the academy.

“ELI's classes teach our students how to have a high ‘civility I.Q.,’ and they play a supporting role in preparing our students to be future leaders,” he writes. “Their creative, fun and hands-on teaching is relevant and valuable for our students as it teaches them how to be good global citizens, and the students and staff couldn't be more pleased with the results of the program. Truly outstanding!”

We would like to say a big thanks to Ron Clark — not only for his kind words, but for his amazing work, and for the opportunity it gives us to work with some exceptional youth. The pleasure is all ours!

George Washington's Rules

2011-03-28T06:59:00.000-07:00

Have you ever read “George Washington’s Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation”?

Sometime before he turned 16, our first President wrote down these 110 rules. Our book copy has corrected and modernized spelling and sentence structure, which is helpful when quickly perusing. But there’s added charm when you read how Washington originally wrote the rules.

We’ll be checking in with Washington’s Rules every once in awhile, and I think you’ll find that they have not lost any relevance, even over 260 years later.

Here’s today’s sampling:

• “1st. Every Action done in Company, ought to be with Some Sign of Respect, to those that are Present.” That’s what manners are all about: offering respect to others. Can you imagine how much more pleasant our world would be if we all followed this one rule?

• “4th. In the Presence of Others Sing not to yourself with a humming Noise, nor Drum with your Fingers or Feet.” True story: someone we know once shared office space with another individual who had grown so accustomed to constantly (as in, never ceasing) humming and singing at work that surely he (or she! Not naming names!) likely didn’t even realize that he (or she!) was making a completely unproductive work environment. Sometimes, the office was treated to passionate drum solos on the desk. When gently confronted, he (or she!) was flummoxed - didn’t even realize it was happening. Long story short: Please don’t do this.

• “7th. Put not off your Cloths in the presence of Others, nor go out your Chamber half Drest.” Something tells us that today’s notion of “half Drest” would shock Washington right out of his cherry tree. Certainly in any professional situation, err on the side of caution, and be fully “Drest.”

• “11th. Shift not yourself in the Sight of others nor Gnaw your nails.” Nail-biting is a hard habit to break, as any parent of a nail-biter knows. Not only is it not healthy (your nails are there for a reason), it doesn’t look very nice.

• “14th. Turn not your Back to others especially in Speaking, Jog not the Table or Desk on which Another reads or writes, lean not upon any one.” This is a great reminder to children: Always remember to look someone in the eye during a conversation, and keep your hands to yourself at your school desk.

Holding Your Breath #3

2011-03-18T13:23:00.000-07:00

A friend of ours has a very extroverted four-year-old who loves talking to people, even complete strangers.

“If you are in a store and mention that you can’t find something, he is suddenly on a crusade to ask everyone who looks like they might remotely work in that store if they can help you find said item,” says our friend. “He typically leads off with, ‘Excuse me, ma’am.’”

That’s great, isn’t it? A sweet, friendly, polite young child. Except there is a catch.

Some of the ma’ams are sirs.

That’s right—everyone, regardless of gender, gets the “ma’am” treatment.

“The group that generally takes the most offense are the teenage boys who work at the local grocery store,” she says. “I often wonder if this has to do with the fact they don’t really want to work at the grocery store.”

Luckily, most of the men don’t seem to mind. Our friend stays low-key about it, giving the sirs in question “my ‘sorry’ smile” and gently reminds her son that boys and men are, in fact, called “sir.”

That’s the way to do it—making an embarrassment a teachable moment, not a big deal.

Have a Holding Your Breath moment to share? Contact us on Twitter, Facebook or e-mail us to send in your stories!

Take the theme park to your work

2011-03-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

A former Perfectly Polished staff member recently chaperoned a high school trip to a popular theme park. She told us that as a child visiting the same park, she took for granted all the details that made her vacation perfect. But as an adult who is tuned into etiquette, she was more impressed with the park employees.

Here is what she noticed.

• Appearance. Each employee was performance-ready - "Every hair was in place, every shirt tail tucked in,” our friend writes.

• Body language. Employees stood up straight, made eye contact, smiled and spoke in confident voices to every guest, no matter the weather. When giving directions, employees used two fingers to point, a friendlier method than jabbing the air with one finger.

• Cleanliness. It was “impeccably clean,” she said - even leaves were picked up once they hit the cement.

• Attention to individual customers. “Each guest in the park is made to feel special, like they are the most important person, even if just for a quick moment,” she tells us.

Even though these qualities were specific to a theme park, it’s worth noting that any employee at any job should pay attention to these details - how they appear, how they behave, how they treat others. Come to think of it, that’s good advice for everyday living.

Holding Your Breath #2

2011-03-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

Have you ever watched a child open a present with baited breath? We have.

Very young children, as you likely know, say what’s on their minds. (Some adults do, too, but hopefully they have more of a brain filter.) But when we’re talking the pre-school set, there’s a 50-50 chance that the unwrapped present will be met with squeals of joy or complete rejection.

A friend of ours tells how her 3-year-old daughter begged for a Pillow Pet - a combination pillow/stuffed animal that is huge right now - last Christmas. She got her ladybug Pillow Pet from her grandmother. Happiness all around.

Cut to a week after Christmas, when a visiting family member gave the child yet another Pillow Pet (a dog one, this time).

Oops.

“Her reaction was nothing less than embarrassing,” the mom remembers.

The child looked at the gift, declared, “I already have one,” began crying, yelled, “I don’t want it!” and then stormed out of the room.

“I wish she had just said thanks and left it at that,” says the mom.

You can instruct a child to say “thank you” until you’re blue in the face, but that doesn’t mean it always happens! Continue to guide them and it will sink in...and one day, you really will be able to look back and laugh about the Pillow Pet.

Have a Holding Your Breath moment to share? Contact us on Twitter, Facebook or e-mail us to send in your stories!

Holding Your Breath #1

2011-03-04T08:37:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Holding Your Breath installment #1! Please don’t really hold your breath — we’re just referring to those moments when adults (especially parents) anxiously watch as children navigate their world, trying to figure out how to treat others.

Sometimes, children surprise us with a burst of nearly unrecognizable good manners. Sometimes, they make us inwardly cringe as they push or shove on the playground or bawl when opening an unwanted present. Sometimes, we have to leave the room so they don’t catch us laughing.

Our first Holding Your Breath comes from a friend of ours, who shares this hilarious story about a little boy she knows.

A few years ago, the child — then 7 years old and described as having “enough energy for four kids” — was at a dinner part with his family. All who knew him actually held their breath when he entered the room, filled with formally-set tables and antiques on display.

No one expected that the child would sneak into the bathroom, soak his hair in the sink and plaster it flat and back (“like a soggy little reject from an old movie,” writes our friend), and return to theatrically offer to pull out a chair and help seat an elderly woman.

He did this for every woman at the table, and later actually bowed while inviting people to dance.

Apparently, his father had been showing him old movies, and the child had deemed these dashing, chivalrous male film stars of yesteryear as “cool.” (Or, “coooooooool,” as he said, we are told.)

It’s a good reminder that children are little sponges (literally, in the case of this sopping-wet-headed child)—they soak up the information we give them. Even the most spirited can internalize good manners, so parents, keep leading by example and have a lot of patience!

Have a Holding Your Breath moment to share? Contact us via Twitter, Facebook, or e-mail us to send in your stories!

A real class act

2011-02-23T08:38:00.000-08:00

The story has been making the rounds all month: White House advisor Valerie Jarrett was attending a recent Washington dinner when Four-star Army Gen. Peter Chiarelli walked behind her. Jarrett, sitting down, only saw the general’s striped pants that resembled a waiter’s.

So she asked him for a glass of wine.

Ouch! Talk about embarrassing. But haven’t we all had some seriously red-faced social mistake? True, it probably wasn’t with someone who has Chiarelli’s rank (although if it was, you should tell us about it!) - but just the same, it might well have kept you up at night as you replay your mistake over and over.

So, what did Chiarelli do?

He got her some wine.

“It was an honest mistake that ANYONE could have made,” Chiarelli wrote in an e-mail to CNN. “…She apologized and will come to the house for dinner if a date can be worked out in March.”

As one journalist and author wrote, Chiarelli’s kindness should be the rule, but is sometimes the exception—as in the case of one famous singer, who demanded that an usher who didn’t recognize him be dismissed.

We may not be famous, but we can all learn from Chiarelli’s example.

Time to make the aspic

2011-02-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

We have a soft spot for old etiquette guides.

Are you young? Modern? Great! This book is for you! (1954, Scholastic)

Or maybe you need to grow up a little first. (1962, Harper & Row)

Some of the advice dispensed in these books holds true today. Some is completely outdated. Some borders on cringe-worthy. But oh, the illustrations!

What career will she ever choose? (Spoiler alert: if she follows the advice of the book, it will be to get married and have babies. "Basically, of course, every girl wants to get married and raise a family," writes author Candy Jones. "...And when she does marry and finds herself darning socks or rinsing out baby's diapers - even when she gripes about how terrible her fate is, don't believe her...sock darning and diaper rinsing are part of what she wants out of life, deep down inside. Meanwhile, however, one has to pass the time some way, before the right marrying man shows up." ("Time to Grow Up," By Cindy Jones, 1962, Harper & Row)

Look at that cool customer! This part of the book warns readers about the dangers of being "fast." This is probably advice parents will give their children until the end of time. (From "Time to Grow Up")

Or perhaps you are looking for some solid napkin advice.

Beware of the "lapkin"! I wonder which "high authority" "daringly suggests" that you sit on your napkin? "Quite beyond the pale" indeed! Fetch me some smelling salts! By the way, this same book says that dunking your food in sauce in acceptable "only in the bosom of your family." Remember that. ("The Complete Book of Table Setting," By Amelia Leavitt Hill, 1949, The Greystone Press, NY)

Many of these books provide meal suggestions, and it is amazing how much aspic is included.

(from "The Complete Book of Table Setting")

Table setting ideas are abundant, from styles suited to sitting side by side (a bit awkward if you've ever actually tried that) to "little people" at Halloween to duck hunters.

(all from "The Complete Book of Table Setting")

Good manners never change, but etiquette is a living thing, adapted for each new generation. Teaching the waltz can co-exist with teaching texting etiquette. When our young people grow up, the world will be yet more different, but there will always exist the need to treat others with respect!

Have a great weekend - may it be filled with proper table settings.

LL Cool J cares about etiquette

2011-02-16T06:43:00.000-08:00

LL Cool J is quite the family man. Not only is the rapper and actor the featured Celebrity Q & A in the February issue of Family Circle (the hardest part of being a dad? "Remaining open-minded"), but now he's singing the praises of children's etiquette.

To be more precise, he said in a recent interview that he has hired an etiquette consultant to work with his children.

"I want my kids to know how to walk in a room and to have some manners and to know how to be polite," LL Cool J told TV Guide. "You have to learn that somewhere. You don't just assume that it just happens."

As children's etiquette teachers, we meet a lot of caring parents just like LL Cool J who want the best for their children, including the tools to be successful in life. And we are more than happy to provide those tools. Knowing how to behave in different social settings not only gives children confidence, but it reinforces the importance of treating other people well, and we're all about that. Thanks, LL Cool J!

Hearts!

2011-02-11T08:30:00.000-08:00

Valentine’s Day is Monday. Today is Friday. If you are a parent, that means your child is likely getting preparing by either buying or making cards to bring to school. (Or, if you tend to procrastinate like many fine people, that means you are planning to get or make cards Sunday night.)

Keep in mind the following:

• You might think that Valentine's Day cards and candy go hand-in-hand, but keep in mind that some schools have policies on bringing candy or treats, whether it’s based on allergies or a preference not to bring sweets to school. Talk to your child’s teacher and find out whether you can send candy before you do so.

• Be sure that your child has enough cards for every student in the classroom so that no one is left out. If you need a head count, ask your child’s teacher. Don’t forget to include cards for your child’s teachers!

• If you are addressing each card, make sure you have the proper spellings of each student’s name. You can also leave the Valentine cards blank, and just have your child sign them.

• And of course, remind your child to say “Thank you” when receiving cards!

Candy hearts and first dates

2011-02-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

Ah, Valentine’s Day: a time of red and pink hearts, candy and chocolate (no objections there) and...possibly your very first date, a nerve-wracking time for all involved.

Maybe you’re about to go on your first date. Maybe you are the parent of someone who is about to go on a first date. In either case, we are sure that you are contemplating many things right now. Are you about to meet someone’s parents for the first time? Are you the parent, about to be met? What joy, anticipation and panic is in store for you!

Don’t worry. We’re here to help!

Before the date
• Plan ahead. Don’t wait until the last minute to ask someone out on a date. Once you’ve got the OK, make dinner reservations in advance.

• Be clean. This goes for your car, your clothes, and your body.

• Have money. If you ask someone on a date, be prepared to pay for it.

• Be on time. Don’t make your date wait, and stick to the schedule for dinner reservations. If you are a young person, remember to abide by any curfews set in place—especially if you want to curry favor with the parents, which brings us to…

Meeting the parents
• Don’t worry if this feels old-fashioned. When your date or your date’s parents enter the room, stand up.

• Whether you are standing or sitting, keep good posture — don’t slouch over.

• Make eye contact and smile when you shake hands.

At dinner
• Make sure your cell phone is silenced and kept out of sight.

• If you’re dining at a formal restaurant, tell the maitre d’ your name and the time of your reservation. If the maitre d’ leads the way to the table, the lady should follow first, then her date — and don’t forget to thank the person seating you.

• Remember your basic table manners — chew with your mouth closed (and swallow before you speak), keep your elbows off the table, eat bite-sized pieces.

Door, Chair, Coat
If all else fails, think of three things: the door, the chair, the coat — as in holding car and building doors open, offering seats at the table, and helping your date in and out of her coat. You might have guessed that this advice generally pertains to the young man. This might sound old-fashioned to you. In our opinion, doing these things does not at all suggest that your date is helpless. It is not a commentary on larger male and female roles in society. However, it is a nonverbal way of telling your date that you like her and enjoy doing things that are helpful for her. It is a way to be kind.

And isn’t kindness a big part of the holiday? Happy Valentine’s Day!

Training - mark your calendars now!

2011-02-02T08:03:00.000-08:00

Have you ever considered becoming a children’s etiquette consultant? Now’s a good time to get out your calendar and make plans, because we have three training weeks on the schedule for 2011.

We’ve blogged before a little about what it’s like to train with us to become a certified children’s etiquette consultant. Not only do you learn from the experts (Dorothea Johnson, the founder of the Protocol School of Washington, calls us “the nation’s most outstanding source of children’s etiquette training”), but you have a great time meeting other future consultants, spending time with the outstanding children we teach, and leave ready to start your own business.

When you train with us, you

• Attend a five-day, hands-on training course
• Learn from our trainers and experts, who have in-depth knowledge and personal experience
• Have access to knowledge from our extended team of experts
• Receive a universally-accepted, updated curriculum for 8-24-year-old students
• Receive resource guides for business operations, marketing and PR, and social dance
• Observe and participate in student-interactive classes
• Enjoy a six course dining tutorial
• Have a professional photograph session
• Receive our continued professional support long after you’ve been certified

Our 2011 training sessions are April 11-15, June 20-24, and Nov. 7-11. Feel free to sign up online, or visit our website for more information. Hope to see you soon!

Mystery!

2011-01-27T17:38:00.000-08:00

Every January, we like to surprise our high school students with a Mystery Destination. We load them up on a bus and they have no idea where they’re going!

Our high schoolers have often been our students since they were very young. We’ve witnessed them grow into future leaders. Our Mystery Destination is a way to honor their presence in our lives, but it’s also a reward for us to spend quality time with these young men and women. Of course, there’s an educational aspect to it, too, as you’ll see.

We allow no technology - including iPods and cell phones - while on the bus. For the whole drive to a nearby camp, the students had real conversations with their friends, chatting away with seatmates and the people sitting in front and back of them.

We spent the day dancing (remember - we teach social dance, among other things), grilling hot dogs and s’mores...basically, having a wonderful time with each other. All the while, our students honed their conversational skills, something they definitely need to succeed in their futures (and they will).

One hilarious activity we did was “Cinderella Shoes.” The young men stood on one side of the room, their backs turned to the young women who each took off one shoe and placed it in the middle of the floor. Each young man had to choose a shoe, find its owner, get on one knee and ask the young woman to dance.

Are you thinking that there is no way on earth any teenager would consent to this activity? Guess what—they loved it. It’s amazing what happens when young people strip away the buzzing distractions and allow themselves to have pure, unadulterated fun. And it’s good for the adults to see it!

Celebrate Hot Tea Month with our expert tips!

2011-01-11T13:59:00.001-08:00

January is National Hot Tea Month, and we couldn’t be more excited. At this very moment, our town has had a record snowfall. Are you cold, too? Put the kettle on – but first read these tips from our guest blogger Bruce Richardson, tea expert and author of several books about tea, including The New Tea Companion (co-authored with Jane Pettigrew) and Tea and Etiquette (co-authored with Dorothea Johnson). Bruce kindly allows us to share these words from his blog. Thanks, Bruce!

Six Steps to Better Tea

1. Clean out your old teas
Yes, tea does have a shelf life. That tin of tea you bought at Harrods in 1995 is past its prime. Toss the tea leaves on your garden and keep the tin as a memory of your London experience, or better yet, fill it with new tea and reach for it more often. Old tea won't hurt you but it will taste flat and flavorless.

2. Invest in a kettle
I am amazed at the number of people who ask me how long they should microwave their tea water! Let's get down to basics - if you want to make good tea you have to have a proper kettle. You can invest as little as $20 for a simple electric model or $35-$75 for a solid stove top kettle. There's even an Asian kettle that sells for under $50 and doubles as a kettle or teapot. A good kettle will change your life!

3. Filter your water
I wrote a story about good water for tea in a previous blog. It boils down to this, get the chlorine and iron out of your water. In most instances, a simple counter top filtered pitcher will suffice. I use an under-the-counter two-stage filter for my water at home that cost under $100. Don't use bottled distilled water because it has no minerals and avoid most spring waters because they have too much mineral content. Bottled drinking water usually has the best balance of minerals for tea.

4. Buy a teapot or two
Your tea will taste better if you brew it in a pot rather than a cup or mug. I suggest a small porcelain or iron pot for single users and a larger 4-6 cup pot for sharing tea with friends. After all, tea is the universal beverage that brings people together. There is no better way to show hospitality than to share a pot of tea on a cold day in January!

5. Switch from teabags to loose tea
Americans have fallen in love again with great loose teas. The taste is far superior to bagged teas. Plus the proliferation of so many infuser baskets, brewing sacks, and other infusing devices has made steeping easy. Anyone can steep tea at home or in the office. It's not rocket science!

6. Water temperature matters
Every tea family has a optimum steeping temperature and time. It's easy to remember that the darker the tea leaves, the hotter the water. Here's a simple guide to the four tea families:

* Black tea: 4-5 minutes at 212° F
* Oolong tea: 2-4 minutes at 195°-205° F
* Green tea: 2-4 minutes at 175° F
* White tea: 3-5 minutes at 165° F

My benediction for you during these cold days of winter is to go forth and make good tea!

Adults, children, and wedding invitations

2011-01-07T13:56:00.000-08:00

Today’s post comes from Robert Hickey, Deputy Director of the Protocol School of Washington, author of “Honor & Respect: The Official Guide to Names, Titles, and Forms of Address,” and one of our trainers at ELI. Here, he answers a question that likely many of you have wondered about, although he’s changed the names and address from the original query. Thank you, Robert!

Should an adult child receive his or her own wedding invitation?

Question:

I received an invitation to the wedding of a first cousin’s child addressed to us as The Wright Family. My daughter Jessica, now 20 and in college in Florida, was not listed by name, but is, I believe, invited. I think a proper invitation should have been mailed to her in Florida as she is an adult and not living at home.

I am trying to remember the rule about how all grown children over 16 should receive their own invitation at their proper address: not Mommy and Daddy’s if they don’t live there. I want to explain the rules to my cousins!

Robert says:

OK, there are a couple of parts to your question!

First, are adult children sent their own invitations?

Yes, family members living at another address are sent their own invitations.

But, to me, it’s defendable to believe Jessica in college is still “a minor in the nest,” and your address is still her best mailing address. So either sending Jessica her own invitation to your address, or listing Jessica by name on your invitation, is better than sending an invitation to her Florida address.

Whether the cut is 16 years of age: sending an invitation to a young adult of any age is always considerate and appreciated.

And, whether she is “Miss Wright” or “Ms. Wright”: Either is correct. “Miss” is more traditional (maybe old-fashioned?) since every young woman older than 12 might choose to be a “Ms.” nowadays.

Now, part two: How to address the envelope!

Everyone who is invited should be listed on the envelope for clarity. For your family—if Jessica’s invitation is sent to your home—a very formal example would be:

Mr. and Mrs. William Wright
Miss Jessica Wright
445 St. Elmo Avenue
Severna Park, MD 21146

If there is an inside envelope, the invited guests are listed again:

Mr. and Mrs. Wright
Miss Wright

On the inside envelope the tradition is to use the “conversational” form of their name. The above form is a formal “conversational” example. Certainly, your cousins could write “Uncle Bill, Aunt Val, and Jessica” on the inside envelope if they wanted to be less formal.

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T16:20:00.000-08:00

Chances are, many of you are ringing in the New Year with a Bowl Game. But - horrors - what if, heaven forbid, you are watching the game with fans of the opposing team?

Most of us can laugh off good-natured ribbing, but hardcore fans might have a hard time watching their beloved team bad-mouthed by the person sitting next to them on the couch.

What to do?

Millie Chastain - owner of the Protocol School of Alabama, certified and trained by the Protocol School of Washington, and a colleague of ours here at The Etiquette & Leadership Institute - was interviewed by College Sports Matchup on this very subject. You can read the article here.

We love her words of wisdom. She mentions how easy it is to brag when your team is winning, but that it's important "to know that sportsmanship should always win out.”

In other words, if you are sitting around in a room full of people watching a game, pause a moment. Look around you. Remember why you are hanging out: you're friends. Friends with diverse opinions on all sorts of things - politics, food, movies, music, and yes, even sports. Then look at the TV screen and marvel at the displays of athleticism. Isn't that cool? Celebrate the spectacle, the snacks on the coffee table, the fun and laughter surrounding you. Sometimes it's not about who wins or loses - it's about hanging out and having fun, two important things worth celebrating.

Here's to a happy and healthy 2011!

Guest blogger: Jay Remer on New Year's etiquette

2010-12-30T15:15:00.000-08:00

Today’s post comes from Jay H. Remer, Jr., International Protocol and Corporate Etiquette Consultant. Known as “The Etiquette Guy” in the blogosphere, Remer is trained and certified by the Protocol School of Washington, and is a frequent columnist for the Telegraph Journal and National Post in Canada.

Thank you, Jay!

Etiquette for the New Year
By Jay Remer

The time has come once again to begin to set our sights on the fast approaching New Year. It’s Christmas after all, and a time for most of us when our families get together to celebrate this joyous holiday. We can look back over the past year and contemplate the many blessings we have received. For me, the year was one for new endings and new beginnings. As I often do, near the start of a new year, I make a list of all of the projects I would like to start or finish during the coming year, dividing them into business, personal, and spiritual. This helps me to set goals and to monitor my progress throughout the year, making necessary adjustments along the way. It’s interesting to compare the lists from year to year and in so doing, catch a glimpse of how I am changing both within myself and in my relationship to others. This is a very grounding activity, one which allows reflection as well as an opportunity to be grateful.

The world is facing some very tough challenges in the coming year. Across the globe many societies are in dire need of help. The planet is experiencing the effects of global warming and we are waking up to the idea that we must act responsibly as stewards in order to avert almost certain disaster. The economy is forcing many of us to endure struggles we had never hoped for. And, in many ways, we are coming together as humans to work to solve these problems more cohesively than ever before.

Those of you who have followed this column may have noticed that I have emphasized the need for compassion in our every day lives. What we do every day and how we do it is in fact the etiquette by which we choose to live our lives. The choices we make affect those around us continually. Being aware of how much of an impact we have on others helps us in making our choices. Therefore the more aware we are of what we are doing, the more careful we will be in how we choose to do it. Although this principle is widely accepted, it comes with no manual, no set of instructions, on how to make the best choices we can.

During this coming year, I hope people will feel more comfortable putting others first, even if only a little bit more than they do now. I hope we can all learn to give ourselves and each other a break, even if only a little more frequently than we do now. And I hope we can protect our children from making uninformed and potentially harmful choices, even if we reach out to only one child more than we already do. If we all made a conscious effort in the coming year to be a little bit less self absorbed, a little bit more patient, and a little bit more compassionate, especially toward ourselves, we will wake up one day to a happier and more peaceful world.

The golden rules of etiquette will never go out of style and how we choose to use them will define who we really are to the world. Be kind always. Be truthful in all communications. Be grateful for everything. Respect all creatures equally. Have a wonderful New Year filled with joy, good health, and many magical moments!

Those two little words

2010-12-20T09:38:00.000-08:00

In a month marked by gift-giving, many parents are watching their children open presents…and cringing, wondering what’s going to come out of their kids’ mouths.

Hopefully, older children will have learned already the art of graciously thanking the giver, no matter what’s in the box. But younger children, especially toddlers, have yet to develop that filter. They are completely honest and blurt out what’s on their minds, whether that’s “But I wanted a toy!”, “That’s yuckers,” or even “I don’t like this” (cue sobbing).

Other parents shouldn’t give you too much grief about this—chances are, they’ve witnessed their own little angels creating quite the spectacle from time to time. But there’s no denying that a child’s outburst can easily hurt an adult’s feelings (or devastate another child who has given the gift). And as adults, our role is to guide children to appropriate behavior.

You can help your child by prepping them ahead of time.

• Role play. Have a pretend gift exchange with your child. Bonus points for finding toys and other around-the-house objects and “wrapping” them in a blanket, shirt, etc. Even more bonus parts for making it silly (wrap an old shoe in a pair of shorts? Why not!). Practice appropriate reactions when unwrapping these pretend gifts, and remember the most important part, saying…

• Two words: Thank you. That’s it. That’s all they have to say. Whether they hate the present, whether they already have it, all they should say is, “Thank you!” and move on. No other words necessary. Making eye contact and smiling is a plus. And don't forget to...

• Write a note. It’s never too early to encourage children to write thank-you notes. Homemade cards that feature illegible scribbling or the painstaking efforts of a child’s early autograph can be a keepsake.

Happy Holidays!

At least Santa has help

2010-12-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

Let’s just admit that holiday shopping can be rough. There are insane crowds, relentless piped-in holiday music, elusive parking spaces, traffic jams, and the extreme likelihood of running into another shopper who is intensely grumpy and not afraid to share it.

As annoying as all that can be for shoppers, think of the store employees!

How about making life easier for everyone?

• Put your cell phone away, especially while making a purchase. Try smiling and talking directly to the sales associate. And refer back to our earlier post on using cell phones in public places. (And please, please put the cell phone down while cruising parking lots and busy streets.)

• Consider self-help, literally. Many stores have computer terminals for customer use, and using them to search for items in the building may save you time.

• Think of the children! Seriously, shopping can be extremely frustrating and tedious to children (at least when they complain or cry, they have the excuse of exhibiting completely developmentally appropriate behavior). Bring a toy, snack or book to occupy them. Even if your children are perfect angels, the store employees will be quite busy enough without babysitting them. Most of all, remember your top responsibility is attending to your children’s needs — even if that means leaving early and having to shop again another day.

• Exercise patience. You are one of many shoppers, and the store employee may be juggling a lot of different demands. If an employee is helping another shopper, refrain from yelling out a question or request for help.

• Be flexible. Sometimes, you won’t be able to find exactly what you want. While you naturally may be disappointed, loudly proclaiming that someone’s Christmas will now be ruined will not change anything. Also, this is a good time to step back and reevaluate what you want Christmas to mean to you and your family.

• Remember to thank those who help you.

Finally, if you or your friends are especially hard hit by the economy, take these tips on how to “mind your money manners.”

Finding thanks (or something else)

2010-11-24T13:01:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow’s the day. Many Americans are gathering with family and friends to celebrate their collective thanks over a gigantic meal. For some people, that prospect is not so easy, whether that’s due to strained family relationships, clashing personalities, or simply shyness.

You’ve probably read all the tips: avoid talking about religion, politics, or money. Have topics of conversation filed away that you can grab at awkward pauses. Keep people busy with activities. Don’t drink to excess.

But here’s another idea. This year, try compassion. Try empathy. Try love. If your Aunt Hilda drives you nuts, remember that she has problems, too.

If all else fails, listen to John and Yoko.

In 1979, John Lennon and Yoko Ono wrote an open letter published in the New York Times. “When somebody is angry with us, we draw a halo around his or her head in our minds,” they wrote. “Does the person stop being angry then? Well, we don't know! We know, though, that when we draw a halo around a person, suddenly the person starts to look like an angel to us. This helps us feel warm towards the person, reminds us that everyone has goodness inside, and that all people who come to us are angels in disguise, carrying messages and gifts to us from the Universe.”

Too hippyish for you? Maybe, but it’s a lot better than hiding in the hallway every time a certain relative rounds the corner.

There’s another part of that letter that could have been written today: “We are thankful every day for the plentifulness of our life. This is not a euphemism. We understand that we, the city, the country, the earth are facing very hard times, and there is panic in the air. Still the sun is shining and we are here together, and there is love between us, our city, the country, the earth.”

Here’s another little nugget from another musical icon: “What’s so funny ‘bout peace, love and understanding?”

Happy Thanksgiving!

Set a place for children

2010-11-18T09:50:00.000-08:00

It's the season for dinner parties. In the U.S., Thanksgiving is right around the corner, itself an occasion for families to gather and dine together. But then starts a whirlwind of yet more holiday dinner parties - requiring weeks of planning menus, deciding who to put where at the table, and bringing out the fine china (or, in some perfectly respectable cases, plates that match).

As children's etiquette consultants, we believe in including children in everyday demonstrations of good manners. This is the perfect opportunity to talk about place settings at the table.

Several years ago, The Washington Post offered very helpful diagrams of both informal and formal table settings.

But let's bring this to a useful level for children. Simplify the table setting to the plates and flatware your child will actually use (in our example below, we include a bread plate; you may choose to take that out). Older children can make this a fun craft project to brighten up the holiday table. With our guide, your child can draw his or her own placemat, which then can be laminated. Extra crafty types can whip up a cloth placemat, onto which children can draw with fabric markers. Ours was made with construction paper, markers, and crayon.

Happy eating!

Training week!

2010-11-09T06:56:00.000-08:00

What is going on in this picture? And can you spot Spider-Man?

Last week reminded us that we are so lucky.

For one thing, we got to spend a lot of quality time with Northeast Georgia’s best and brightest children and teenagers. When we opened Perfectly Polished: The Etiquette School in 1985, we had 20 students, ages 10-13 years old. Now, with the help of high school and college staff members, we teach around 4,000 students a year in 12 area counties. They range in age from elementary to high school, and we have a blast together as we learn about etiquette and social dance.

Besides that, held training last week, meaning we got to certify other people how to do the exact same thing in their own hometowns as children’s etiquette consultants.

Angela Jordan traveled from Chattanooga, TN

Dawn Jumper visited from Lookout Mountain, TN

We established The Etiquette & Leadership Institute in 2005, when we acquired the Children’s Training Division of the Protocol School of Washington. We have since trained and certified 350 children’s etiquette consultants from all over the U.S. and 17 other countries. This session, we had a consultant from California who was trained by PSOW and is seeking re-certification, plus soon-to-be consultants from Georgia, Tennessee, and Spain.

Kari Reeves from Watkinsville, GA, and Angela Jordan

So, what did we do last week? In addition to our regular sessions, we took our trainees to the Ron Clark Academy in Atlanta to observe and help teach. We talked about conveying the importance of wearing professional attire to college students. We discovered the power of using props and activities when teaching children. And there’s so, so much more. Every time consultants leave our training, they are ready to teach etiquette and social dance. We even give them a business plan and teaching materials. They can hit the ground running, so to speak.

Carla Tyson came from Pleasanton, CA

Lizette Donnai came from Spain

A wonderful side benefit to training is the friendships we make and sustain long after training is over. Our next one is in April 2011. Interested? Let us know!

Just treats, please

2010-10-27T07:46:00.000-07:00

Do you live in October Country?

It’s a place where “the hills are fog and the rivers are mist…whose people are autumn people, thinking only autumn thoughts…whose people passing at night on the empty walks sound like rain…”

That lovely piece of writing is from Ray Bradbury’s “The October Country,” and it describes this time of year perfectly (though it’s a little more humid than foggy where we live). It’s also the time of year when little spooks ring our doorbells and ask for candy.

Halloween really is a little tricky. We spent a lot of time telling children not to accept candy from strangers, after all.

On the other hand, the holiday is a great opportunity to teach your children how to politely interact with others.

• Plan ahead. This year, Halloween falls on a Sunday, prompting some communities to switch Halloween activities to Oct. 30. Some neighborhoods also have established times for acceptable trick-or-treating. Regardless of your own thoughts on this subject, learn when your community will celebrate—it’s no fun to get dressed up, ring doorbells, and find out all the candy is gone.

• When meeting other trick-or-treaters on the sidewalk, say hello and step to the right to pass them. Avoid plowing down smaller children.

• If you’re collecting candy by car, close car doors softly and be alert when walking around moving vehicles.

• Avoid houses with no lights on—there won’t be any candy there, anyway.

• Encourage patience while waiting in line at a popular house. Ring the doorbell only once (try to restrain yourself from banging on the door, even if you are pining for sugar). When the door opens, say “Trick or Treat!” or “Happy Halloween”—but don’t shove your bag in the person’s face.

• If you’re given the bowl of candy to choose from, don’t hem and haw and pick your way through—just take a few pieces (not a handful) and be on your way. But first remember to say thank you!

• Leave behind a good impression, not candy wrappers on the lawn or trampled flowers in the garden. Similarly, admire holiday decorations, but don’t touch or play with them.

Happy Halloween!

Turn off your phone, please

2010-10-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

“Turn off my phone?” you might think. “But I can’t! Are you nuts? I’m expecting a call from my mother/father/husband/wife/brother/sister/babysitter/boss/employee/mechanic…”

Obviously, there are times when you are indeed waiting for an important—perhaps life-changing—call. We aren’t suggesting that you turn off your phone during these emergencies.

But, let’s be honest. Do you really need to have your phone on at the dentist’s? At the grocery store? In the movie theater, for Pete’s sake?

Maybe you are thinking, “Yes, I do!” We gently suggest, “Actually, you probably don’t.”

In our technological age, we’ve grown accustomed to being constantly connected to nearly everyone we know. We are easily, instantly accessible ourselves. At this time in our lives, turning off your cell phone might feel like a violation of nature.

Here’s our suggestion. If you absolutely cannot turn off your phone, try turning off the ringer. (And then put your phone out of sight—a cell phone just looks strange on the table next to your dinner plate).

And when are those appropriate times to go phone-free? A good rule of thumb is, “Wherever you are unable to speak on the phone in private.” Think about it. Do you want to hear all the details on someone else’s messy breakup or latest office gossip while trying to use a store restroom or take public transit?

Let us help you!

When to turn your cell phone off…

In your professional life. Whether you are a full-time student, stay-at-home parent, working your first job or a seasoned professional, turn off your cell phone:
• During class
• While attending work or parent-teacher conferences
• During a job interview
• When on a work deadline

In your family life. Both family milestones and certain everyday moments might require you to unplug. Turn off your cell phone:
• In places of worship
• In hospitals (especially during a birth!)
• During court sessions
• At weddings
• While trying out a complicated new recipe, and later at the dinner table
• At funerals

At special events, social gatherings or classes. Both you and your fellow patrons will enjoy yourselves more if you turn off your cell phone:
• At movie theaters, plays, poetry readings, choral recitals, concerts
• In museums and libraries
• During dance, yoga or aerobics class

While out and about. Focus on your errands and turn off your cell phone:
• At the ATM, in checkout lines, or when approaching anyone in customer service
• In public bathrooms
• In bank and fast food drive-throughs, or at school pickup lines
• While pumping gas or taking public transportation

Where do you turn off your phone?

Civility is the key to stop bullying

2010-10-06T08:14:00.000-07:00

It’s inexcusable. It must stop. It’s time to act now to stop bullying.

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. According to the Pacer Center, bullied students are more likely to have higher rates of poor grades, low self-esteem and self-confidence, and depression and anxiety. There is a clear link between depression and suicide.

Let’s not forget the children who bully, who themselves need help. Research tells us that bullies are often feel as insecure, powerless and depressed as their victims.

It might sound overly simplistic, but the key to ending bullying is civility. Adults must model it themselves and teach it to our youth. A lot of people still think of etiquette as being something quaint, old-fashioned, best left to their grandparents’ generation. And yet, when it comes down to it, etiquette is simply about treating others with the kindness and respect we all deserve.

Rutgers University agrees. The school recently launched Project Civility, “a two-year, university-wide dialogue,” following the suicide of 18-year-old student Tyler Clementi, who was bullied for being gay. His death followed three other suicides of gay teenagers, all in the month of September alone—Billy Lucas, 15, in Indiana; Asher Brown, 13, in Texas; and Seth Walsh, also 13, in California. (Research shows that gay youth are four times more likely to commit suicide than their peers.)

Rutger’s Project Civility covers topics like bullying, hazing, and the influence of technology on civil behavior—but it also covers how to behave on a bus, good sportsmanship, and other manners you might assume most people already know. The truth is, the task of spreading civility and goodwill is more important now than ever. In fact, a recent University of Michigan study suggests that college students significantly lack empathy compared to previous generations. Data taken from 1979 to 2009 shows that today’s students have a 48% decrease in empathetic concern and a 34% decrease in perspective taking.

That’s terribly depressing news, but it’s also a call to action. We must make the notion of civility a priority, and we must start with our children.

What if you forget someone's name?

2010-09-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

Why is April McLean wearing a birthday cake on her head? Keep reading…

It’s happened to you before, hasn’t it? You recognize the face, move to say hello, and…the person’s name just falls right out of your head. Forgetting an acquaintance’s name can be embarrassing, but we’ve all done it—and sometimes we manage to have a pleasant interaction without having to admit it (only later to remember, “Oh yes, THAT’S her name…”).

But what if you’re about to introduce someone and you forget someone’s name? The horror!

You might think you can get away with smiling brightly at Mystery Name and glossing over her name entirely: “Oh, hello! I wanted you to meet my friend, John Smith.” (And then you fervently hope that Mystery Name will solve the problem by introducing herself.)

And truthfully, maybe you can get away with it—it’s unlikely either friend would call you out on your foggy memory, after all. But in order to introduce someone properly, you should know and say aloud both names.

If you forget someone’s name, make eye contact, smile, and say, “Please tell me your name.” Making eye contact and smiling is of utmost importance: the key to surviving this awkward situation is to focus on the person, not yourself and your faulty memory. Don’t dwell on your forgetfulness, but immediately launch into the introduction: “Ms. Jane Smith, I would like to introduce to you Mr. John Smith.”

Another birthday hat—this time, on the head of one of Debra Lassiter's students…

Yes, you say, “I would like to introduce to you Ms. Jane Smith.” If you have trouble saying “to you” (not “you to”), look at the photos above, and remember that you sing, “Happy birthday to you.” This is an effective memory aid for all ages. April McLean (in the top photo) uses the hat to train adults who become certified children’s etiquette consultants through our company, The Etiquette & Leadership Institute. Debra Lassiter (standing next to students in the second photo) uses the same trick when teaching young people in our etiquette school, Perfectly Polished .

Now: what if you are the one whose name has been forgotten? Try to catch that natural pause in the conversation and simply say, “Hello, my name is Jane Smith. I’m so glad to see you again, John.”

The most important thing to remember is to focus on the introduction and the person to whom you are speaking. Saying, “I forgot your name,” or “I’m sorry,” puts the focus on you, not the person on which it belongs, and merely prolongs the embarrassment.

Don’t be too hard on yourself—even the most socially savvy person has forgotten someone’s name before!

An unexpected salute at the airport

2010-09-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, something totally random happens to reinforce that honor and patriotism are very much part of our American lives. I was waiting at the Houston Hobby airport to catch the next Atlanta-bound plane when an agent announced that a highly decorated, World War II veteran would arrive at Gate 22; serendipitously, I was waiting at Gate 23. The announcement was simply that he would arrive and that a Houston Hobby welcome was in order.

So, I waited, wondering if I could be some help….I’m thinking ribbons, platforms, seating order, the mayor, and more. Minutes go by and the plane arrives and people disembark. I keep waiting for the dignitaries, the balloons, the hoopla. Then, all of a sudden, there is a big crowd, gathered from up and down the concourse. He is 94, and dressed in a red jacket which is almost totally covered by medals, awards, and ribbons. On his head is his Veteran of Foreign Wars cap, covered with even more medals, awards, and ribbons. At least one or more of the medals was given to him as one of the liberators of the Dachau concentration camp. In his scooter, he made a path through the crowd. Everyone was clapping and shouting, “Thank you,” and “Bless you,” and service men in fatigues were saluting him! He was amazed. His response: “Thank you!” with a slight bow of the head.

The impromptu ceremony was not only amazing because of the WWII veteran, but also because people stopped and added their respects to those who have made freedom possible for us and so many others. Sometimes waiting for your plane can be very exciting.

—Cindy Haygood

A very short video of the veteran:

Make the pickup line easy

2010-09-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

Is this a familiar scene? It might be, if your child’s school has a dropoff/pickup line for drivers. One mother we know adores hers—she sits in the luxury of her driver’s seat while her son’s teacher escorts him to the car and even straps him into his booster seat.

However, a quick Google search reveals that the dropoff/pickup line can be the bane of some parents’ existence—if it’s plagued by other drivers who are “unclear on the concept” of how it works (as one blogger writes.)

It’s tempting just to complain about other clueless parents, but the truth is that we’ve all made (sometimes embarrassingly) simple mistakes. You can do your part to keep the dropoff/pickup line running safely and smoothly:

Follow the rules. Your school likely issued the rules of the line, told you exactly where to stop to leave and fetch your kids, and possibly even provided a map of the layout. Keep this information in your car. If you spontaneously forget all of this information, drive slowly, note what other drivers are doing, and follow the road signs and lane markers.

You are in a car. If you were driving down the road, you probably would not stop suddenly, open your door, and step outside to wave down your child or chat with another parent. Likewise, you probably would not weave in and out of different lanes (we hope!). And you certainly would not be speeding, right? The rules of the road apply to the dropoff/pickup lane, too.

Put down the phone. It makes sense just for safety’s sake—this is a child-filled environment, after all. And besides, getting into an involved conversation is not conducive to paying attention to the road, when it’s your turn to move, and whether your child is standing a few yards away from your car, wondering what’s taking so long.

Minimize other distractions. That novel you can’t put down, the magazine you just got in the mail, the new CD you sing along with at top volume when your children aren’t looking—all of these absorbing things can lead to you holding up the line.

Stay awake. This might sound strange, but we’ve heard of drivers falling asleep in the line!

Be patient. Someone in front too poky? This is not the ideal place to honk. If you find yourself irritated with the behavior of another driver, remember that it might be a grandparent or another substitute driver who may not be familiar with the rules. However, if you see a “repeat offender” behaving poorly, take your concern to a schoolteacher or administrator (and try to stay positive as you describe the incident).

Take some deep breaths. Maybe you’ve had a rotten day; maybe you’re stressed out. But you can turn things around starting now, when you welcome your child to the car with a smile.

Wearing white after Labor Day: what do you say?

2010-09-10T08:11:00.000-07:00

Hope everyone had a great Labor Day weekend!

One of the big etiquette traditions ingrained in our minds is the decree not to wear white after Labor Day. A quick look at the Fall 2010 runway styles (we did some Googling!) proves that fashion doesn’t follow this rule anymore, and most news articles on wearing white after Labor Day usually contain the phrase, “A rule that’s meant to be broken…”

We train etiquette experts from all over the world, so some of our blog readers might find this rule puzzling, since it seems to be unique to the U.S. Perhaps avoiding the color white in cold months has a practical reason—after all, it reflects, not absorbs, heat.

Another reason has to do with the U.S. nouveau riche culture in the 1950s. What had been an unofficial, seasonal wardrobe change became code for the elite and social climbers: wearing white after Labor Day meant you didn’t know the “rules.”

But, as Time Magazine said when exploring the white-after-Labor-Day issue, “more people than ever are breaking the rule.”

Why would people be breaking this rule? Well, beyond fashion trends, let’s be practical. Here in our hometown of Athens, Georgia, this week’s temperatures are still in the 90s, and it often remains quite warm even by the first day of Fall, which is Sept. 23. Depending on where you live, white might be the most comfortable option for you.

A happy medium is exploring softer shades of white, and in small doses (like accessories). White comes in a variety of hues, from beige to ivory, eggshell to seashell, magnolia to vanilla. Did you know that astronomers came up with the name “Cosmic Latte” to describe the color of the universe? (It's true.) Anyway, there’s a lot of different kinds of white out there, and no one should give you a hard time about wearing them before the first crocus blooms.

Which brings us to our next point: if you see a friend wearing white from head-to-toe well into the winter months, what should you do? Our advice is to say nothing at all. Etiquette exists for many reasons, and one of them is to make life feel a little bit kinder. Instead of reacting to an outfit that might be in the “wrong” color, smile and be happy to be in your friend’s company.

If we see you wearing white after Labor Day, we won’t say a word.

Debra, Cindy, and April are not breaking the rule - this photo was taken before Labor Day!

Introducing the Ladies of Etiquette

2010-08-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

Hello! Welcome to our first blog post! For the generation born in the flower-power era (that would be us), jumping into something new sounds daring and fun. This is where we’ll post about our daily work as children’s etiquette consultants and trainers of children’s etiquette consultants. Visit us often for our take on the latest etiquette news and tips, plus a glimpse into what it’s like to teach manners and social dance to over 700 of Northeast Georgia’s finest young men and women (a.k.a. tomorrow’s global leaders!).

First, we must start off with “THANK YOU!” to all who supported us in the infancy of our business in the 1980s. Those parents who lent us their children were and are our friends. Thank you for the confidence you had in us and the strength of believing in the social arts of manners and leadership skills.

Thank you to the young people we have worked with and will continue to work with over the years. Young people are smart, funny, aggravating, handsome, athletic, immature, mature, and worth every moment we get to spend with them.

Thank you to a country, state, and city where we can work in the field we love! Who ever thought that “three ladies in a van” would turn into the “etiquette elves!” (More on that in another blog post, we promise!)

Thank you to the citizen diplomats—those everyday people who brighten our lives with their good manners.

So, here we are. We have jumped into blogging for Perfectly Polished. And we can’t wait to hear from you! Send your questions or ideas to e-mail address (or leave a comment). And be sure to find us on Facebook (link) and Twitter (link).